Summer was made for parks, festivals and things you do at the weekend, not crowded tubes and buses. Here’s the gruesome reality of your commute in a heatwave…
1. You’ll step onto the Central Line and swallow a mouthful of steamy body odour
Londoners, eh? They're just full of hot air. Amiright? Amiright?
2. A bead of sweat will travel the full length of your body
And there’ll be nothing you can do to stop it.
3. You’ll be squashed face-first into someone’s armpit
Or worse: sweaty back. Or worst: moist chest.
4. You’ll sit in the front seat of a bus and realise it was a huge mistake
Why not recreate the experience at home by positioning yourself under a giant magnifying glass and waiting for the sun to melt your organs?
5. You’ll sit on the back seat of a bus and realise it was a huge mistake
The engine: a blessing in the winter, the most cursed of curses in the summer.
6. You’ll know you’re horrendously sweaty but will be forced to lift your arm to hold onto the rail on the tube
IT’S HOT, OKAY?
7. You’ll get stuck with upper lip sweat
And it’ll trickle into your mouth because the tube is too crowded for you to wipe it off.
8. You’ll get stuck wearing one layer too many
And be left incredibly frustrated because the tube is too crowded for you to take it off.
9. The space between backpack and actual back will fill with a flood of body fluid
Looking forward to revealing that sweat patch to the world.
10. The rail will get so slippy you’ll end up sliding around like you’re holding on to a slinky
Then you’ll realise someone is going to have to touch that after you. Sorry, world.
11. You’ll have to forcibly peel yourself from a metal seat at a station
Greaaaat choice of material there, TfL.
12. You’ll have to forcibly peel yourself off a plastic seat at a bus stop
I’m just going to keep on applauding. Congrats, guys, congrats.
13. You’ll sit on a very damp tube seat and play Spillage or Bum Sweat Roulette
May the odds be ever in your favour.
14. You’ll bring a bottle of water and it will heat to the temperature of a Starbucks coffee
Nothing like a refreshing, lukewarm beverage to get you ready for the day ahead.
15. You’ll forget to bring a bottle of water and feel like you’re completing some kind of endurance challenge as you commute from King's Cross to Leicester Square
DON’T YOU DARE MOCK ME, TUBE SIGNS, WITH YOUR POETIC VERSE AND PATRONISING TONE.
16. All public transport will smell like a clammy festival crowd
Relive the Glastonbury experience by wearing a crochet top and wellies while travelling the full length of the city on the No 38 bus.
17. Someone will ask you if you’ve worked out this morning when you arrive in the office sweaty and red
Blame the Central Line for everything.
Photo: Paolo Margari