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Now, we all know that the best solution to a hangover is to stay in bed, binge on 'Game of Thrones' and eat something deep-fried and covered in cheese. But sometimes, for reasons nobody quite understands (other than the fact that you’re still a bit pissed) you will want to venture out into the big wide world. In case you do make this (frankly questionable) decision, here's a guide to where not to go. Spoiler: Oxford Street, the tube and all of the major tourist spots do not feature on this list – choose to venture to any of these with a hangover and you deserve everything you get.
Anything involving modern art
If you thought that deciphering the deeper meaning of a ball of human hair was hard when you had a clear head, try doing it with one pickled in tequila. You can, of course, do what most people do and just mill about stroking your chin and nodding intermittently but even if you do manage to look the part (and honestly, by this point, who cares) there’s still the headache-inducing white lights, sparse spaces devoid of soft furnishings and strict rules of no eating or drinking, which means no orange Lucozade or McDonald’s for you!
Pretentious markets
Craft booze, artisan food and handmade trinkets that literally nobody has ever needed. Cute way to spend an afternoon, right? Wrong. The last thing you need in your current state is to be around the type of people who can afford to spend 20 quid on gluten-free chickpea crisps without having to sell a kidney. These people have their shit together. They probably own a house (in London for God’s sake) and it's unlikely that they were sick outside a KFC last night. Run back to your own kind as fast as you can.
Pretty much anywhere with a good view
There are several places in the city that will serve you fantastic food and strong drinks, all against an impressive vista. But remember: the better the view, the higher you are likely to be – and first you’ve got to get up there. This will entail one of two things – either stairs (and lots of them) or lifts with an ascent quick enough to make your ears pop, your vision blurry and last night’s kebab make a reappearance. Our advice? If your world is already spinning, stay close to the ground.
Extreme outdoor activities
We all know that a spot of fresh air can be just what's needed to dust off the boozy cobwebs of the night before but, take it from us, this should be limited to the fumes of the No.8 bus on the way back to the pub. Abseiling, rock-climbing and amateur acrobatics may sound fun but while fortune favours the bold, you will soon find that a hangover does not. The following works as a good rule of thumb: if it requires a harness, back the fuck away.
Spiritual events
Despite its reputation for general miserableness, London offers a host of events of the happy-clappy variety. From sober raves to naked yoga, they may well be the antidote to a life of tube strikes and bitchy emails from your boss, but (and we can’t stress this enough) the antidote to acute alcohol poisoning they are not. Hangovers = misery, and misery loves company. Better options include standing in a very long queue whilst tutting, shouting at the self-service machine in the supermarket or moaning about the weather with strangers.
Walking tours
Exercise, education and exposure to the elements – a walking tour is a recipe for hungover disaster. Conducted under the watchful eye of a tour guide, not only will you not be able to spend the whole time on your phone googling cat videos (the only activity hungover people truly want to partake in) but there is also the chance of audience participation. Want a lecture? Then stay in and listen to your housemate complain about finding you passed out naked in the lounge.
Fetish clubs
While the hangover horn is definitely a thing, the only balls we want in our mouths when feeling a bit dicey are those of the sweet and sour sort. And in case takeaways being replaced by teabagging wasn’t enough to make you think twice, remember: the only onesies you are likely to find here are of the gimp suit variety. Yes, they may be practical when it comes to the wiping off of bodily fluids but they are also likely to bring them on in the form of hangover sweats. Not to mention the chaffing.
Still suffering a sore head? Here are the only eight breakfast items you need to beat a hangover.