Christmas can be a trying time for all of us, but you know whose feathers are never ruffled? Who greet every occasion with the charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent that they've been blessed with? Drag queens, that's who – specifically the stars of 'RuPaul's Drag Race'.
We spoke to season three's 'Heather' Manila Luzon, Russian gymnast-cum-transvestite-cum-prostitute Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova – but your dad calls her 'Katya' – and 'All Stars' season two winner Alaska 5000, who are in town this week performing their 'Christmas Queens' show at the Troxy. They spilt the tea on how to get through this most wonderful time of the year.
Sit at the kid's table.
I tend to find I have more in common with my seven-year-old niece than anyone else in my family. Some of the best times I've had have been letting her put makeup on me (which usually entails forehead lipstick and chin glitter) or playing that terrible game where you eat the jelly beans that taste like human vomit.
Go to your neighbourhood gay bar.
Going home to visit your family can be fun. But the real party begins when mom goes to bed and you Uber out to your hometown gay bar. In Erie, Pennsylvania where I grew up, the drinks are $2 each and you can smoke cigarettes indoors! Plus you get to run into your friends you only see once per year, and the jovial celebratory mood gives you an excuse to drink heavily.
Give charitable donations.
I once famously said, 'Anyone who voted for Donald Trump isn't getting any Christmas presents.' Perhaps I was too hasty. Instead of denying your white-supremacist-supporting aunts and uncles presents, why not give donations in their names to Planned Parenthood, or the ACLU, or the Transkids Purple Rainbow Foundation. Happy holidays!
Sparkle, Neely, Sparkle!
The holiday season is the time you can go to any store at the mall and pick up a sequin outfit to sparkle! Be glamorous, and shine bright this Christmas!
Eat everything in excess! Treat yourself to the glamorous delights this season has to offer. If you're feeling like you are too gluttonous, you can always go to the gym after New Year's, or maybe you'll get a brand new corset from Santa!
It's all about the packaging
The cheapest gifts can look luxe in the finest wrapping. Cut off the price tag and wrap your gift in fancy tissue paper and a sturdy box with all the decorative bows! If the presentation is on-point, no one will notice your present was bought on clearance or made in China.
Find a nice holiday axe or sword and gleefully vanquish your foes in a festive fit of Holiday Cheer. Freshly fallen snow is always made more beautiful when it is sprayed and streaked with the blood of your enemies.
Have you done a good job this year, i.e. have you slayed in all areas of your life? Well then throw on a Santa hat, fill up your canteen with full-fat eggnog and stomp the runway like the true good gay person you are. Be the wise men in the manger and say 'yes gawd'.
If Jesus taught us anything, it's that you can still slay long after you shimmy and shake off this mortal coil. Just look at the Inquisition! Incorporate some festive holiday adverbs into your will, grab some chains and rattle them at a greedy investment banker, or just be red, white and solid gold as you death-drop into your fur-lined casket.
If you require assistance with any additional slay-age, check out Christmas Queens 1 and 2 on iTunes.
Feeling festive? Take a look at our guide to Christmas in London.Share the story