1. You tried to feed your cat Whiskas once. The little shit moved next door in protest.
2. Some cats love canned tuna. Yours prefers line-caught tuna steak. Pan-fried (and cooked pink, you heathen!).
3. Your cat loves licking the frosting off cupcakes – but only ones from Hummingbird Bakery.
4. Most cats leave dead mice by the bed as a ‘little present’. Yours garnishes them with foraged micro-herbs.
5. You get ‘the look’ if you give your cat smoked trout instead of smoked salmon.
6. Speaking of ‘looks’ – that one you’re getting when you eat a ready meal? Utter disdain, and rightly so.
7. Your cat purrs contentedly through every episode of ‘MasterChef’ (but not ‘Great British Menu’).
8. You say: ‘kitty treats!’ Your cat thinks: ‘Caviar? HIT ME.’
9. That goddamn day you brought home jamón ibérico from Brindisa but forgot to put it in the fridge? Cat Christmas.