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Tom Rosenthal solves London's problems

By Time Out London contributor

Each week a different comedian addresses Londoners’ issues. This week, it's actor and stand-up comedian Tom Rosenthal.

Dear Tom: 'Should I increase my pension contribution? I'm worried that I'm going to end up old, alone and horribly poor.' Kevin, Stoke Newington

Dear Kevin: 'If you are genuinely writing to Time Out for financial advice I’d stop worrying about ending up horribly poor and just accept it as an inevitable truth.'

Dear Tom: 'I never get let into clubs. I tried getting into The Alibi the other night and I got totally rejected. How do I club myself up a little?' Caroline, Highgate

Dear Caroline: 'Any club that turns you away is a den of wankers. You need to out-wanker them, and to do so I recommend the teachings of total wanker Premier League footballers. The way to ‘club yourself up’ is to go back there with a group of friends, go up to the bouncer, nestle your head into his chest and then go down, clutching your face. Your friends will immediately surround the bouncer and any officials around protesting vehemently and performing caricatured re-enactments of a head-butt that never happened. They will corroborate your story with the manager and, if need be, the police. The bouncer will get a ban and you’ll get into the wanker-den without even having to show your ID, although if you’ve been true to the Prem footballer’s methods you will have been brandishing it as an imaginary red card throughout.'

Dear Tom: 'How many wanks is too many wanks, per day for example? I mean, is there even a limit, really?' Tim, Wimbledon

Dear Tim: 'All I can tell from this question is however many wanks you are doing per day is definitely too many wanks. I bet you’d get into The Alibi.'

Dear Tom: 'I'm thinking of joining a cult, just for a bit of a change: yes or no?' Isabelle, Bounds Green

Dear Isabelle: 'Cults often separate the infinite complexities of being alive into a simplistic black-and-white dogma, so as someone who likes a yes or no answer you’d bloody love one. I recommend the KKK for the hats.'

Dear Tom: 'My friend says she's busy for the next two months. Should I just let this friendship go?' Gail, Herne Hill

Dear Gail: 'Speaking as someone who has just used an excuse similar to this I can tell you that your friend does value you but not as much as they value "House of Cards".' 

Tom's new show 'Flat TV' starts Mar 24 at 6pm on BBC Three.

Find out how advice compared when Funmbi Omotayo solved London's problems.

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