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Top five annoying London gym-goers

Written by
Nick Levine

Nathan James Page

1. The gym selfie addict

Gyms have floor-to-ceiling mirrors so you can check your technique. After all, there's nothing worse than a lopsided squat. But the guy in the low-cut vest and Lycra tights is blocking your view as he squeezes his pecs together and gets out his iPhone. Later he posts the picture with the hashtags #gains #fitfam #shamelessgymselfie. A follower comments: 'Shoulda stuffed a sock down there, bruv.'

2. The changing room exhibitionist

Changing room etiquette is delicate. We all pity the chap who has to slip off his pants underneath his towel. But on the other hand, does the guy who accidentally elbowed you in the face at BodyPump really need to see your novelty pejazzle? Strutting around in the buff is probably acceptable as long as youíre on top of your personal grooming. But using the communal hairdryer to blow between your legs is definitely a faux pas.

Nathan James Page

3. The equipment hogger

At last! You've been waiting for the chest press for 15 minutes and finally it's free. You plonk yourself down triumphantly only to receive a testy tap on the shoulder. 'I'm actually still using that,' says a bloke wearing a Do You Even Lift? T-shirt. You try to explain that the seat was free but he's already preempted your objection. 'I'm actually doing supersets, which means I'm using several pieces of equipment at once,' he replies patronisingly. Defeated, you vacate the chest press sheepishly. But you allow yourself a wry smile when you notice that he's listening to a Phil Collins song on his iPod.

4. The hoverer

Twenty minutes later, Phil Collins guy completes his supersets and you're back on the chest press. But suddenly there's a woman with a pained grin invading your peripheral vision. 'How many more sets do you have? Shall we swap in and out?' It's easier to agree so you wait patiently as she huffs and puffs ostentatiously while pressing 5kg more than you. Later on, you see her leaving the gym with Phil Collins guy.

Nathan James Page


5. The grunter

Normally, you zone out and enjoy your motivation playlist - so what if it contains three M People songs? But your flatmate's nicked your earphones again so today you're listening to a 'gym symphony' of dumbbells being dropped, treadmills getting pounded and people comparing protein-rich meal plans. Worst of all is the sweaty hench guy who grunts aggressively with each bicep curl. You want to tell him he sounds like a bison on the cusp of orgasm, but he'd probably take it as a compliment.

By Nick Levine, who definitely lifts, bro. Just not much.

Illustrations: Nathan James Page

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