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Nathan James Page
1. Religious nutters
You know what’s worse than being told you’re going to hell by a complete stranger? Being told you’re going to hell by a complete stranger who’s also blocking the entrance to Oxford Circus tube station, which incidentally bears an uncanny resemblance to the gates of the underworld. Save your breath, mate; we’re already on our way...
2. Meanderers
There’s a specially awful fate reserved for the person who casually ambles down Oxford Street. Forget cycle superhighways, TfL should spend its money dividing Oxford Street’s pavements into two lanes – one for the dawdlers and one for proper people who actually have somewhere to be. As if their sloth-like pace wasn’t bad enough, meanderers somehow manages to commandeer the entire pavement, making it impossible for you to overtake them unless you’re prepared to leapfrog over their heads. It would almost be impressive if it wasn’t so annoying.
Nathan James Page
3. Buskers
Bands busking on Oxford Street should be applauded for one thing only: managing to get a full drum kit on the tube and into central London without someone putting their foot through the snare. And that’s it. Still, try telling that to the swarms of gangling Euroteens with their massive Invicta backpacks and ear-piercing voices apparently lapping up the soft-rock four-piece’s slap bass interpretation of ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’.
4. Tourists
Oh, you thought you’d just swing by Oxford Street with your suitcases on your way to Heathrow, did you? Great idea, there’s plenty of space round here, it’s not like it’s the busiest high street in Europe or anything. Or are they all empty suitcases because you’re on your way to Primark to fill them up with novelty sunglasses and multipacks of socks? They are, aren’t they? Don’t forget to whip out your selfie stick for a quick snap in front of the store, #memories.
Nathan James Page
5. Shoppers
Let’s be clear: shopping on Oxford Street should only ever be a last resort when you’ve forgotten to buy your mum a birthday present or you’ve accidentally doused yourself in coffee on your way to a job interview. Other than that, there’s literally no reason to traipse up and down the retail boulevard floundering under the weight of your 50 shopping bags. It’s 2016, for God’s sake: allow us to introduce you to a little thing called the internet. It’ll change your life, believe us.
By Isabelle Aron, who has never ever thought about impaling a tourist on their own selfie stick.
Illustrations: Nathan James Page
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