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Top five dating scenarios

By Elizabeth Darke
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Nathan James Page

1. The Tinder

Since you've only seen them in a selfie with sunglasses and some holiday snaps using #allthefilters, the first date with a Tinder Special is essentially blind, and will result in one of two outcomes. Either your date is a bitter disappointment: desperate, creepy, seven inches shorter than specified (height, for God's sake) and wouldn't look out of place on 'Crimewatch'. Or, as you'd hoped, your date is total blinder: smart, funny and fiiiiit - so you spend the whole evening hoping they'll get shit-faced enough to deem you remotely in their league.

2. The set-up

A set-up with a friend of a friend means big pressure: you have to live up to the hype. Your BFF tells everyone that you're a legend, but they've known you since junior school - they're obviously biased. How likely is it that their housemate's brother's line manager will want your babies just because you've got Sky+ and can burp the alphabet?

3. The second time

The second date is when you figure out whether someone's actually a goer or not. Sure, you think you like them, but that could have been down to the six glasses of wine and no dinner you had on the first date. This time, however, you're noting down everything from ancestry to underlying hereditary conditions. Now's also your chance to backtrack over the bit where you confessed your love for Peter Andre after all that sauv blanc...

4. The sex date

You've had three mind-blowing, sing-from-the-rooftops dates and tonight is the night you're doing it. Obviously you've prepped: the best underwear is on; the King Kong body hair is off; you've warned your housemates to stay out or watch something very loud on TV. Pre-sex dinner and drinks - which you barely touch in fear of looking like a bloater come showtime - are over in record time, and by 8.43pm you're at home, under the covers, bumping uglies like pubescent rabbits.

5. The optimistic one

It's been eight lacklustre dates in as many weeks, but you're still hoping this one's 'a grower'. On paper they're The One: attractive, kind, smart and not a serial killer. In reality, you've experienced more of a spark with a self-service checkout at Tesco. Seriously, the only things that take two months to grow on you like this are a verruca or athlete's foot - both of which you'd rather introduce to your parents.

By Liz Darke, who's actually had great times with the self-service checkout in Goodge Street Tesco and wonders if there's something there.

Illustrations: Nathan James Page

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