1. The fox chat
You’ve destroyed all the Jägerbombs and now you’re pirouetting down the street. The birds are beginning to sing and... OH DEAR GOD, what was that? There’s a sickening screech, followed by haunted barking. A fox! The adorable furry critter struts along the road in the dawn light and you’re drunk enough to kneel down and attempt a conversation. ‘Hello, Derek!’ you cry, for this must be his name. Just don’t try to shake his paw. He will rip your face off.
2. The public nap
You wake up and suffer instant regret; it feels like Brian Blessed is chucking breezeblocks at your skull. The smell of stale urine burns your nostrils as a selfie-stick swings into view; you’re crumpled up inside a phone box and tourists are enthusiastically photographing themselves in front of it. They’re completely unaware that the aftermath of your drunken debauchery is silently photobombing their memories. You need to question your life choices.
3. The ill-advised posting on social media
Being drunk is pretty fab, but it’s almost like your intoxicated self wants you to wake up to a maelstrom of social doom. You lie in bed the morning after, smiling lazily at the memories of a satisfying booze-up. Then previously forgotten scenes cut through your mind like a knife made of shit. You scrabble for your phone, only to realise that the video you posted at 2am should definitely not have been seen by your friends, parents, work colleagues, strangers or anyone who ever lived. #LifeOver.
4. The online shopping
After a heavy night most people are content with a kebab, or just drooling over Deliveroo images until they find themselves waking up with an iPad sliding off their face. For others, there’s nothing better than spending the wee small hours trawling through the mysterious depths of Amazon, making questionable purchases before passing out in a laundry basket. A few days later you wonder why the postie has dropped off a Harry Potter costume, two wheels of stilton and a duvet cover with your face printed on it.
5. The becoming BFF with your Uber driver
You spend your week avoiding, ignoring and hating any member of the public who dares to breathe in your presence, but now you’re wasted and this lovely human is chauffeuring you home. He jams along to the ’90s megamix you’ve pulled up from Spotify, so of course you must learn your driver’s life story and take 275 selfies with him, while utilising several of Snapchat’s finest filters. Bessie mates 4evz! Or until you cause him to crash.
By Robert Dixon, who has just taken delivery of five coconuts and a banjo.