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Top five London fashion victims

 

1. The cultural appropriator

Baggy harem pants, arms covered in henna and shells in her hair: Amber wouldn’t look out of place vibing to psytrance on a Goan beach. Looking like she’s straight off the plane after finding herself on a gap yah, she mumbles indistinctly when you ask her where she got her Indian, Native American and Vietnamese ‘garms’. She’s always laying into her friends for dressing so ‘square’ but her wavey look is actually off-the-peg H&M and the only Full Moon party she’s ever been to was a themed nappy-night at the Yates’s in Croydon.

2. The normcore knob

Mr Fifty Shades of Beige, Josh insists he ‘can’t be bothered with fashion’ and loves to disdainfully tell everyone that the last time he shopped on the high street was before a Foals gig at The Garage he saw advertised in Artrocker back in 2&&5 when he was ‘about 15’. Undeterred by the musty Eau de Gériatrique clinging to his latest secondhand ‘bargz’, every Saturday Josh is down the ‘chazzas’ elbowing old dears out of the way to snap up the latest donations from Chingford’s recently deceased.

 

3 The mock Scandi

Crisp white oversized cotton tunic, linen culottes and Monki shades bigger than her perfect tiny blonde head: Nelly has spent the best part of her morning playing with the proportions of her ‘ensemble’ to look this casual. Hanging out at her fave west London coffee shop where the beans are roasted at her preferred altitude – ‘It has to be Peruvian, you know? ’ – she’s exactly the kind of chic fashionista tourists think of when they purr over London being ‘like, sooo cool’. Try and copy her, though, and you’ll look like a badly assembled Ikea wardrobe.

4. The neo-goth

‘I’m fine honestly guys, it’s not even that warm,’ insists Adam, sweating beads in his black peacoat, black polo neck, black skinnies and black low-Docs, sat in London Fields in the blazing sun on a Sunday afternoon. While all his co-workers at the graphic design firm dress head to toe in ninja, his non work-friends don’t have the heart to tell Adam that his vitamin D deficiency and mourning weeds make him look like a gangly cosplay Dementor.

 

5. The grime gal

Looking like she’s off to a grime night at all times, you can spot Issy a mile off with her little draw- string Nike bag, Adidas hat pulled low over her head, big hoop earrings, Air Max 95s and perfectly clipped East Sussex tones. If her mum back in Crowborough saw the Facebook photos of her mashed at Visions with the half-head of cornrows she got done in Peckham, the family pied à terre in Angel would be revoked before Issy could plead, ‘That’s not me!’ 

By Josh Mcloughlin, whose mum still buys him his clothes from Matalan.

Illustrations: Nathan James Page

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