1. The park poseur
He wakes up early to cop a prime spot on Clapham Common/Hampstead Heath/London Fields and digs out his old Von Dutch baseball cap to make his selfies look more ironic. By 9.45am he’s already uploaded three pics to Instagram but no one’s liked them yet. Worse, his hay fever’s starting to kick in and he’s already feeling bored. What the hell do people do lying on a patch of grass all day?
2. The festival obsessive
Yes, obviously she’s going to Glasto again. But come on, guys, Britain does have other festivals! This year she’s also doing HogSozzle in Hertford in May, Brew at the Bog in Inverness in June, Folk in a Field in Norfolk in July and Jamie Oliver and Alex James’s Big Feastival in Chipping Norton in August. Everyone’s jealous when she gets a selfie with Jess Glynne at Wireless. How on earth did she blag a backstage pass?! But by midwinter, all those wristbands she’s refused to cut off have become so damp, mouldy and pungent that you’re worried she’s basically become a walking case of festival gangrene.
3. The outdoor pool bore
She heard someone say London’s parks are its lungs or something, but spending a day in one would be such a cliché! Besides, she hasn’t been doing Barry’s Bootcamp since February not to show off her bikini body. Annoyingly, her mate’s manicurist couldn’t get her into Shoreditch House’s rooftop pool after all, so she’s making do with Brockwell Lido. It may not be as glam as a private members’ club, but at least the water’s warm… though that may have something to do with kids and their bladders.
4. The smug day tripper
Brighton would have been unbearable on a sunny bank holiday, so he thought outside the box and drove to Whitstable instead. ‘You just don’t know England until you’ve driven through the countryside with the top down,’ he boasts at you as you try to tally up the costs of owning, insuring and parking a car in London in your head. By the time he tells you about all the lovely seafood he’s been eating while you’ve been sitting in the urban wasteland of London Fields, you’ll be wondering if it’s possible to bludgeon someone to death with a whelk.
5. The barbecue geek
His friends just slap some patties on a £5 disposable foil job from the supermarket, but he’s always prided himself on being a great host – a cut above. Today he’s debuting his new deluxe six-burner gas barbecue (with cover) and he’s splashed out on some marinaded spatchcock chicken. By the time he’s ready to ‘plate up’, the sun’s been down for three hours and everyone’s shivering by the shed, desperately wishing they’d ordered Domino’s.
By Nick Levine, who doesn’t own a car but wouldn’t mind meeting someone who does.
Illustrations: Nathan James Page