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Top five things you can do in London that would make you look a bit of a dick anywhere else

Eddy Frankel

Nathan James Page

1. Posh late-night snacking

It's 3am. You're in east London, tumbling drunkenly out of some basement bar and need to soak up some of that booze. What'll it be? Maybe a Turkish flatbread, or a bagel piled high with salt beef, or how about a slice of £5 artisanal pizza from somewhere that's even louder than the club you've just been in? Don't even bother trying that shit outside of London. In Doncaster, they think a lahmaçun is a singing alpaca.

2. Turning up late

You can't be late outside London, because there are no excuses outside London. Here we can blame the tube, or traffic, or pigeons. Outside London? No chance. 'Sorry I'm late, tube was a nightmare.' 'We live in Dorset, we don't have the tube.' 'Oh yeah, sorry,I meant the traffic.' 'You live two doors away, this village is tiny.' 'Um. Internet traffic?' 'You're late because you were watching porn, aren't you?' 'Yes. Bad buffering. Took forever.' You wanker.

Nathan James Page

3. Treating pets like kids

London currently has yoga for dogs, swimming pools for dogs, restaurants for dogs and brothels for dogs (probably). We're a city that's ridiculously obsessed with our pets. But while we're either refusing to grow up or can't actually afford to have kids, everyone else is like 'Fuck it! Let's have kids! We can feed them from the orchard and weave them clothes out of wheat! But the joke's on them, because when you're tired of your pets you can just give them away or chuck them in the river. Can't do that with kids. I'm kidding, relax. Of course you can chuck your kids in the river.

4. Queuing to eat

Next time you're in Scarborough, just walk up to the nearest Pizza Express and start a queue. Literally no one will join you. But walk up to anything in London and simply refuse to go in, and before you know it a veritable conga line of desperate hipsters will form behind you, itching to get into what must surely be a hot new place. Little do they know you're just waiting for the sexual health clinic to open, but hey, maybe it serves amazing sourdough pizza or something. I mean, what else are they going to do with all that yeast?

Nathan James Page

5. Spending huge amounts on rent

If you were spending £750pcm in Sheffield, you'd be living in a (non-mock) Tudor mansion in a posh part of town. Six bedrooms, 14 toilets, a pool, a miniature zoo and a traditional Yorkshire gravy bath for your sunday soak. But the locals would know. They'd look at you down the pub, whispering 'Ey-oop,here's Billy big bollocks from t'mansion. Fookin' pompous wanker.' And they'd be right. Stay in London, where spending three-quarters of your salary on rent is de rigueur, not de mented.

Illustrations: Nathan James Page

Take a look at the top five annoying London gym-goers.


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