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Top five things you forgot to do this summer

Written by
David Clack

Summer's nearly over...but what have you got to show for it? Quick! Get out and do all these things, stat.

1. See some sunlight

 Finland famously has the highest rate of suicide in the world for two reasons: a pint of beer costs as much as a steak and for six months of the year the sun literally cannot be arsed. As you read this, your days are getting shorter at the rate of four minutes every 24 hours. You've probably spent most of the summer slouching too low in your chair at work, allowing your eyes to slowly become one with a computer screen. Get out there and frolic about on a hilltop or something before you find yourself googling some really dark shit. In the dark.

2. Leave Zone 2

Very few of us bother exploring the outer reaches of the tube map. Perhaps it's to preserve the mystery around places like Cockfosters (cheap lager and penises?) and Penge (Stone Henge but with penises?), or because of Netflix, or maybe we simply can't be bothered. But we really ought to, and what with the relative lack of people and abundance of green space, summer's the perfect time to do it. Give Cockfosters a miss, though - I learned the hard way.

3. Get beach-body ready

Like most Londoners, we were hugely thankful when that ad came along to remind us just how unsightly we looked in our swimmers. And just like everyone else, we've been doing 100 squats every morning and only eating quinoa-flavoured Ryvita ever since, right? But somehow, at least half of us still look ridiculous in a yellow bikini. Although that's mainly because of the whole penis thing.

4. Go for a drink with that guy

Remember? The guy you bumped into back in February and made vague plans to meet up with, which never happened because of the assumed mutual understanding that it was too bloody cold to be dealing with such bullshit? And then you ran into each other again in May and made the same promise and there's been literally no excuse? With every leaf that flutters to the ground, that guy hates you a little bit more. Seeing people is just so much effort, though, you know?



5. Get married

A quick survey of social media reveals that approximately 90 percent of London spent the last 12 weeks stringing bunting across Kentish barns, stabbing cakes with hilariously giant knives and dancing with their nan. The rest have been asking Siri to check that their Tinder push notifications are definitely set to 'on', which of course they are. Another year, another 12 months of crushing singledom. It's fine, there's always summer 2016!

By David Clack who was BORN beach-body ready. It's been downhill ever since.

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