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Top five things you forgot to do this winter

David Clack

© Nathan James Page

1. Do your tax return

If HMRC really wanted your money, you reason, it would send you a neat little bill explaining exactly what you owe and why, perhaps with a biro sketch of a kitten to soften the blow. But no, before financial crucifixion comes the long schlep through a year’s worth of invoices and receipts, a cross made of incomprehensible paperwork strapped to your shirtless back. Tax evasion isn’t a proper crime anyway, is it? You just forgot, and they can’t throw people in prison for forgetting things, can they? Wait, they can? Ah.

2. Have a fondue party

Asking your brother for a fondue set for Christmas was a stroke of utter genius (not least because you only got him a ten-quid John Lewis voucher), but it’s now three months into the new year and your molten-cheese ambitions are yet to get off the ground. At this point you have two options: risk being socially ostracised by serving the most wintry of party foods in spring, or hold on to the set until December, wrap that sucker back up and hope big bro has a short memory.

3. Grow a beard

Fifty percent of the population have a decent excuse here, but it’s like the rest of you haven’t even been trying. How the hell are you supposed to enjoy the pure euphoria of shearing your hairy face and bounding out into spring all smooth and youthful-looking if you never bothered to bush up in the first place? If you have any sense, you’ll start superglueing surplus pubes to your face immediately.

4. Buy some flip-flops

It’s a horrible fact of capitalism that summery stuff is cheaper in winter and woolly stuff is cheaper in summer, meaning the window for buying up bargainous bikinis, sun lotion and croquet sets is all but closed. But don’t panic! The summer-winter phenomenon applies to spring-autumn too, meaning now’s the perfect time to treat yourself to a lovely new leaf- blower or a leather conker pouch. You can thank us in October.

© Nathan James Page

5. Invite the neighbours over

Come on now, this is basic stuff. When it’s too cold to even trek to the pub, getting people who live nearby to bring the booze to you is the ultimate winter ruse. All you’ve got to do is rustle up a passable tagine and seem interested in their terrible lives. What’s that, you say, the last bottle’s empty? Someone better run to the shop, and I need to keep an eye on these soufflés, soooo....

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