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1. The art student
Taking full advantage of being the only kid in her year from Swanage to get into a London college, Alexandra Bignall has reinvented herself as Inbox Full, an intersex art meme whose work involves comping herself into other people’s Instagram pics, printing them out, then burning them. Her band, 75p Vase, performs at all gallery events, private views and degree shows, whether anyone wants them to or not. Privately, Inbox is quite unhappy, and longs for the rugged beauty of her coastal home.
2. The LSE politico-berk
Conan’s neo-centre-right political blog Barbarian? is going great guns. He’ll be part of a Eurosceptic think tank in no time. Then he’ll be a Treasury advisor before he’s 30. Then his book will be in the window of the LSE Waterstone’s (‘Provocative’ – The FT). That’ll show his dad, with his simplistic left-wing politics from the past. Can’t he see that it’s all just the market adjusting itself, like it’s settling down for a big economic shit? Genius! That’s one for the blog.
3. The young farmer
Graham is a long way from Shropshire, but Mum was adamant that he should spend some time in London, having been at secretarial college here in the early ’80s before meeting Graham’s future dad at a wedding. He’s looking forward to managing the family’s huge acreage, and has created a Facebook page for Giles the bull. In the meantime, he can be found in the union bar with his good mate Joggs, or on Gumtree, fruitlessly searching for an affordable flat to rent in Chiswick, where Mum used to share with her best friend Fiona, and a Scottish girl who died.
4. The student princess
Tripping out of her Marchmont Street flat, Bea can’t believe what Calum thought she’d be up for last night. Gross! But kind of sexy too. Like in ‘Girls’! Stupid Calum: he’s so basic, with his crappy DJing and idiot best friend from back home. London’s so great, though, and Fashion Week is the best, unless you can’t get into the Christopher Kane show because you haven’t got an invite, then it’s just boring. London’s stupid. In a cool way.
5. The overseas student
Her small face lit up, Jeong looks out of her fourteenth-floor flat in a tower block on the outskirts of London. She can’t help but feel that Royal Thames University looked really different online. Where are the ivy-covered quadrangles, lush green campus and smiling international students? The only person she knows is another Korean girl, who keeps trying to get her to come out for barbecue. London is strange. Also, who would have thought that a Citroën Xsara Picasso would burn for so long?
By Chris Waywell, who’s doing resits. Again.
Take a look at the top five things that annoy Londoners on holiday.