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Top five ways to avoid chuggers

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Nathan James Page

 

 

 

1. Traffic surfing

Spotting a charity-mugger ahead on a high street presents you with two directional options. You can take refuge in Pret, but you know they’ll happily wait, waving cheerily outside with their clipboard at the ready. So you must go the other way: into the road, risking death-by- Routemaster by diving blindly into traffic. You skid over the bonnet of a screeching taxi and luckily land gracefully on the opposite pavement, celebrating your triumph of avoidance, hands raised heroically in the air, only to realise you’re now facing another chugger. They always work in packs... Crafty!

2. The imaginary phonecall

What a coincidence! Everytime you see the colourful bib of a chugger, you suddenly find yourself in a surprisingly one-sided phone conversation. The mobile’s out, slapped straight to the ear and within nanoseconds you’re talking loudly about the calamity that was your last Tinder date. Chugger- man doesn’t need to know that you’re chatting to yourself about ‘eye-wandering David’. However the lit-up screen on the side of your head displaying your Tinder profile might just give him a hint as to the fictitious nature of your phonecall.

Nathan James Page

 

3. The 'Judas Defence'

For this Slytherin option, you need someone weak- minded, and/or big-boned. Take this oblivious fellow pedestrian and use them as your human sacrifice, cowering behind them. The chugger pounces, their arms out wide. ‘Hello! Got a moment?’ You throw your living meat-shield into the firing line and run off to safety. That poor pedestrian: the brave canary to your cowardly miner.

4. The Blanking

This is a ballsy tactic that involves minimal effort. Simply exude sass as you strut past with your head held high, completely ignoring the chugger’s existence on this planet. Experienced chuggers will take this on the chin; newer chuggers will feel slightly crushed. You are a bad person.

Nathan James Page

 

5. Cut to the chase

Arguably an even bolder manoeuvre, requiring a Kanye level of self-confidence. Focussing ahead, you dodge, duck and trample over the crumpled forms of fellow pedestrians to power your way through the crowd. As the chugger swoops, you respond with a booming ‘NO!’, ‘BUSY!!’ or maybe even a ‘YOU FAAAKIN WISH, MATE!!!’ before driving right through them like a human tank. This kind of decisiveness is what gets you home early, cup of tea in hand, while I’m signing my pitiful income away to the Cats Protection League.

By Robert Dixon, who now pays more to cats a month than he does to his landlord.

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