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Top five worst people in your Whatsapp groups

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Nathan James Page

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. The lurker

Hannah put the group on mute as soon as she joined. She barely speaks. You ask: 'Who's coming for dinner tonight?' She replies: stony silence (then furiously accuses you of not inviting her to things when she sees pictures on Facebook). In fact, her only contribution to group chat is a biannual comment relating to a joke someone made 543 messages ago, leaving everyone else with RSI in their thumbs from having to scroll back so far to figure out WTF she is talking about.

2. The debt collector

Tom only ever comments when he needs something. Either he's publicly shaming you for that £5.45 you owe him for a drink or he's reminding everyone that they promised to come to his club night. He works in digital marketing, and sometimes he'll jump in to test out a LOL tweet he's just written. Or he's sending pictures of shabby clothes he bought from H&M in 2006 and is now looking to sell. Otherwise he remains totally silent.

 

Nathan James Page

 

3. The constant monologuist

 

Sometimes you think Ben has your group mixed up with a diary or therapist. He rambles on for 20 lines about how Pret are front-loading their wraps. Then he spends another 30 explaining how this made him feel let down, just like when his ex started seeing that douche with the goatee. Yes, he's a friend so you should enjoy hearing from him. It's just very hard when he makes everyone else feel like they're taking part in an immersive theatre production of his life.

4. The spam bot

Lucy loves #viral #content. She enjoys filling your camera roll with pics of cute dogs and 'funny things she has seen'. She also enjoys sharing memes that were popular six months ago and - oh God - motivational quotes. You spend afternoons watching your phone judder on the table as she sends messages like: 'Check out this rat pulling pizza down some stairs in New York!', and 'Omg bbz have you seen this cow recreating Drake's "Hotline Bling" video?'. If you really wanted to see endless year-old memes you'd simply accept your mum's friend request.

Nathan James Page

 

5. The deserter

It happens without warning. Jenny leaves the group. One second she's there, the next she's gone. There's no goodbye. Her disappearance sends the group into a state of panic. No one says anything. One member privately messages you to ask if you know anything. You don't. Someone else worries that there might be a mutiny. There's not. There's silence for a few minutes, then Spam Bot speaks. 'Shocked face, sad face, cactus emoji,' she says. Says it all, really.

By Kate Lloyd, who's lurking in your Whatsapp groups right now.

Illustrations: Nathan James Page

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