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Vanilla Ice on ice
Streamy Awards/Flickr

Vanilla Ice on Ice is no more. Luckily we have 34 alternatives

By
Oliver Keens
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It is my sad, solemn duty to report that Texan rap legend Vanilla Ice will no longer be skating on a slab of hardened chemical ice for your entertainment this Christmas.

The concept (Ice's brand new invention, if you will) was announced months ago. It was amazingly simple: '90s one-hit wonder Vanilla Ice, dancing, on the Alexandra Palace Ice Rink. Genius, right?

Well, perhaps not. It appears that poor ticket sales for three (yup, three) nights of pun-based sliding have meant the man born Robert Van Winkle will no longer be rocking the mic like a vandal in north London any time soon.

So where does that leave us? What audacious pun-based spectacle could possibly fill this huge void in London's cultural calendar?

Fear not. We have compiled a list of possible substitutes. Please, someone: make one of these happen and save Christmas for all...

1. Arcade Fire on fire.

2. Harrison Ford in a Ford.

3. Mark Morrison in Morrisons.

4. Pearl Jam in jam.

5. The Smashing Pumpkins in pumpkins.

6. Jenny Eclair in an eclair.

7. Bryan Ferry on a ferry.

8. Jean Michel Jarre in a jar.

9. Art Garfunkel in Garfunkel's.

10. Frank Ocean in an ocean.

11. Sean Paul in a branch of Paul.

12. Bruno Mars on Mars.

Bruno Mars

13. John Cage in a cage.

14. Pavement on a pavement.

15. Meatloaf in a loaf.

16. Eric Clapton in Clapton.

17. Phillip Glass in glass.

18. Faith Hill on a hill.

19. Dru Hill on another hill.

20. Train on a train.

21. Phish, kinda near some fish.

22. James Bay in a bay.

23. Tank in a tank.

24. Neko Case in a case.

25. Can in a can.

26. Pink at Sink The Pink.

27. Major Lazer at Lazer Quest.

28. Lloyd Banks in a Lloyds Bank.

29. Kiko Bun in a bun.

30. Jason Donovan in a doner van. 

Jason Donovan

31. Courtney Barnett in Barnet.

32. Michael Bublé in a bubble.

33. Rita Ora in an aura.

34. Aqua at the Sealife Centre.

 

I thank you.

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