It is my sad, solemn duty to report that Texan rap legend Vanilla Ice will no longer be skating on a slab of hardened chemical ice for your entertainment this Christmas.
The concept (Ice's brand new invention, if you will) was announced months ago. It was amazingly simple: '90s one-hit wonder Vanilla Ice, dancing, on the Alexandra Palace Ice Rink. Genius, right?
Well, perhaps not. It appears that poor ticket sales for three (yup, three) nights of pun-based sliding have meant the man born Robert Van Winkle will no longer be rocking the mic like a vandal in north London any time soon.
So where does that leave us? What audacious pun-based spectacle could possibly fill this huge void in London's cultural calendar?
Fear not. We have compiled a list of possible substitutes. Please, someone: make one of these happen and save Christmas for all...
1. Arcade Fire on fire.
2. Harrison Ford in a Ford.
3. Mark Morrison in Morrisons.
4. Pearl Jam in jam.
5. The Smashing Pumpkins in pumpkins.
6. Jenny Eclair in an eclair.
7. Bryan Ferry on a ferry.
8. Jean Michel Jarre in a jar.
9. Art Garfunkel in Garfunkel's.
10. Frank Ocean in an ocean.
11. Sean Paul in a branch of Paul.
12. Bruno Mars on Mars.
13. John Cage in a cage.
14. Pavement on a pavement.
15. Meatloaf in a loaf.
16. Eric Clapton in Clapton.
17. Phillip Glass in glass.
18. Faith Hill on a hill.
19. Dru Hill on another hill.
20. Train on a train.
21. Phish, kinda near some fish.
22. James Bay in a bay.
23. Tank in a tank.
24. Neko Case in a case.
25. Can in a can.
26. Pink at Sink The Pink.
27. Major Lazer at Lazer Quest.
28. Lloyd Banks in a Lloyds Bank.
29. Kiko Bun in a bun.
30. Jason Donovan in a doner van.
31. Courtney Barnett in Barnet.
32. Michael Bublé in a bubble.
33. Rita Ora in an aura.
34. Aqua at the Sealife Centre.
I thank you.