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Vanilla Ice on ice
Streamy Awards/Flickr

Vanilla Ice on Ice is no more. Luckily we have 34 alternatives

Oliver Keens

It is my sad, solemn duty to report that Texan rap legend Vanilla Ice will no longer be skating on a slab of hardened chemical ice for your entertainment this Christmas.

The concept (Ice's brand new invention, if you will) was announced months ago. It was amazingly simple: '90s one-hit wonder Vanilla Ice, dancing, on the Alexandra Palace Ice Rink. Genius, right?

Well, perhaps not. It appears that poor ticket sales for three (yup, three) nights of pun-based sliding have meant the man born Robert Van Winkle will no longer be rocking the mic like a vandal in north London any time soon.

So where does that leave us? What audacious pun-based spectacle could possibly fill this huge void in London's cultural calendar?

Fear not. We have compiled a list of possible substitutes. Please, someone: make one of these happen and save Christmas for all...

1. Arcade Fire on fire.

2. Harrison Ford in a Ford.

3. Mark Morrison in Morrisons.

4. Pearl Jam in jam.

5. The Smashing Pumpkins in pumpkins.

6. Jenny Eclair in an eclair.

7. Bryan Ferry on a ferry.

8. Jean Michel Jarre in a jar.

9. Art Garfunkel in Garfunkel's.

10. Frank Ocean in an ocean.

11. Sean Paul in a branch of Paul.

12. Bruno Mars on Mars.

Bruno Mars

13. John Cage in a cage.

14. Pavement on a pavement.

15. Meatloaf in a loaf.

16. Eric Clapton in Clapton.

17. Phillip Glass in glass.

18. Faith Hill on a hill.

19. Dru Hill on another hill.

20. Train on a train.

21. Phish, kinda near some fish.

22. James Bay in a bay.

23. Tank in a tank.

24. Neko Case in a case.

25. Can in a can.

26. Pink at Sink The Pink.

27. Major Lazer at Lazer Quest.

28. Lloyd Banks in a Lloyds Bank.

29. Kiko Bun in a bun.

30. Jason Donovan in a doner van. 

Jason Donovan

31. Courtney Barnett in Barnet.

32. Michael Bublé in a bubble.

33. Rita Ora in an aura.

34. Aqua at the Sealife Centre.


I thank you.


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