So. Many. Questions. Who thought it up? How do you breathe? Are the sticks inflatable? Are there sticks?
As I step into an Ealing swimming pool to join the West London Underwater Hockey Club, the swimsuited experts tell all. The game was invented 60 years ago by bored scuba divers. You inhale via a snorkel. There are (non-inflatable) sticks.
Also, the puck's not allowed to leave the bottom of the pool - so if you run out of air, you have to temporarily abandon the action (or drown).
We start: 12 bodies entwining in a human shoal. Action whips from end to end in seconds. Teams surface and congratulate each other as they score. It's fun. It's easygoing. It's totally mental. 'Time's up!' Already? Damn. Oh well. At least I got to bring the motherpucking ruckus.
TRY IT: To find your local club visit www.gbuwh.co.uk. Find out more about West London Underwater Hockey.