Last night on 'The Island' a cliff-face trek turned into tragedy. The show closed with poor little malnourished Patrick falling off a cliff backwards into rocky waters below. Ahhhh, I can't take it! Is he okay? Yeah, he's fine babes, he's on Twitter:
For those new to 'The Island', it's kind of like 'Lost' meets 'Shipwrecked' with undertones of 'Lord of the Flies', 'Cast Away' and, on a good day, 'I'm A Celebrity'. The first two series featured two single-sex survival groups on different islands; this time around they've got to share a group camp. And oh, what a camp. Reminiscent of the garden of Eden, together the lovely men and women have made bamboo beds, hand-woven nets for catching sharks and plastic, plus a nice little fire for cooking. The women have even stopped drinking stagnant swamp water.
I'm making it sound way more idyllic than it is. In reality, the group have experienced prolonged periods (like two weeks) without proper food, although last night saw Erika kill a bird and the group catch a turkey – giblets and gizzard all round. There's also been bleeding bumholes caused by extreme constipation, scorpion stings, live HD tooth abscess-lancing and lots of people in a hangry state. Yes, hanger features highly as one of most dangerous ailments and makes for some seriously dramatic telly. Yesterday angry-hungry islanders had some extremely ridiculous personality clashes, reminding us that there's no such thing as a utopian society, especially on a deserted island with no booze, no fags, no food, none of your favourite records, nor the complete works of Shakespeare or The Bible.
Although everyone on 'The Island' brings something to the table, my favourite characters so far are, in no particular order: Simon (the misogynist); Doctor Daniel – or 'Dan Dundee' as he was christened yesterday; Tilly the self-professed 'absolute fucking nightmare'; Erika the eccentric can-doer and eldest of the group. Although a special mention must go to the star of episodes one and two; I've never felt so close to tears as when former Army Corporal Hannah, who served in Afghanistan left 'The Island' due to phantom leg pains and PTSD. A strong leader, Hannah rallied everyone together, helped get the camp built and brought great energy. But an aggressive storm left her in a bad way and it was a sad day when she was escorted off the island by speedboat. We love you, Hannah.
So, as Gortex-clad overlord Bear Grylls keeps an eye on our islanders from the safety of his hotel room, we wait with bated breath to find out what the score is with Paddy and whether or not they're going to start tearing chunks out of each other.
Catch up with 'The Island' on All 4 or find something else to watch with our pick of the best TV series you can stream online.