Emojis are sooo 2015. These days, it's all about sending IRL ideograms. For £6.99, you can now send an anonymous phallic Eggplant Mail with a message to let someone know how you really feel. The folks at Eggplant Mail will carve your loving (or not so loving) message into an aubergine and send it to the lucky recipient. You'll be limited to 16 words, so choose them wisely. Whatever message you go for, Eggplant Mail promise it'll be '100% Phallic. 100% Anonymous. 100% Disturbing.' And we don't doubt them.
In other news, a five-course avocado brunch is coming to London.