As Norfolk’s finest DJ makes his big-screen debut in ‘Alpha Papa’, we talk to his alter ego and creator, Steve Coogan
It’s been a huge year: a new royal, a Brit finally winning Wimbledon and a controversy-free leader for the Catholic church. But one daytime digital radio DJ towered above it all, like a Norfolk colossus: Alan Partridge. We asked the King of Chat for his 2013 talking points.
Flick through the slideshow to read his review of 2013.
The Royals reproduced
‘The birth of any child is special, but when that child is born from the comely uterus of the Duchess of Cambridge, I think we can all agree it’s that bit better. What’s more, Kate and William’s newborn arrived almost ten years to the day that Saddam Hussein’s sons Uday and Qusay were killed in a gun battle in Iraq. It was a double celebration!
‘I like the name George. The general rule with monarchs’ names is: how does it sound after the word “king” and before the words “conference centre”? “King George Conference Centre”. I’d host a marketing convention there.’
…And Kim Kardashian had a baby, ‘North West’
‘A child named solely to generate interest on Twitter generates interest on Twitter. This is culture eating itself like a human centipede or the erotic daisy chains you hear so much about. Look, bringing up a child is tough. They cry a lot, have poor toilet manners and are quite annoying. Kanye and Kimberly need our support. Still, it’s comforting she’s brought a child into the very world that her late father Robert – the lawyer who helped acquit OJ Simpson of multiple murder – helped to make a safer place.’
Simon Cowell impregnated his lover
‘No real surprise. While I’ve never taken an interest in his TV shows (don’t like thick people), I’ve seen him out and about and this is a guy who wears his virility like a sheepskin coat. Simon practically has seminal fluid dripping off him.
‘Will he be a good dad? No question. His cultural output is aimed solely at children (as I say, thick adults like it too) so he clearly knows what makes children tick. I won’t speculate on the circumstances of the conception but I’ve no doubt that the transaction was quick and clean.’
Miley Cyrus had a public breakdown
‘I’ve a lot of time for the Cyruses. “Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray was the song I first learned to line-dance to, before I quit hoedowns for ever. I’d accidentally kicked a woman in the chest while executing a kickball step and was pretty inconsolable. Fittingly, it was his daughter’s song that I first twerked to (a brief attempt while towelling off in the gym). It didn’t feel right so I stopped.’
James Gandolfini and Cory Monteith died
‘It’s been said that Gandolfini was head of the Sopranos. Oh really? Domingo, Carreras and Pavarotti might have something to say about that! I saw the Three Sopranos live in Hyde Park after a box of wine and their rendition of the BBC’s World Cup song was moving, although – as with all classical music – much too long. Never heard Gadolfini sing but I’m sure he was very good.
‘Cory Monteith was from the TV show “Giddy”, made by people who despise music and want to see it destroyed. Couldn’t say which one he was, as all American actors under 30 look the same, but I’m sure he was very good.’
Glastonbury disappointed
‘How it can claim to be one of the world’s biggest musical festivals when the organisers have never invited Phil Collins to perform is absolutely beyond me. I bumped into him recently in a shop that sells drums and he said it didn’t bother him, but I could see he was lying. I also found out that he has to use a booster seat and specially extended pedals to drive. Lovely bloke, though.’
Syria went mental
‘Seeing footage of chemical-weapons-attack victims frothing at the mouth was the low point of the year. I was once with Nick Knowles when he had a seizure outside Homebase, but this was way worse. Assad is a monster. When will we learn to stop giving the benefit of the doubt to leaders with moustaches?’
A new pope arrived
‘I love the pomp and ceremony of electing a new pope. I was so engrossed watching Sky News coverage of smoke emerging from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel that I accidentally recreated it in my own home (didn’t take toast out of toaster). I was also pleased Justin Welby got the top job in the C of E because he used to work in the City so is almost definitely a good bloke. I know bankers get a bad press but it’s all just so much horseshit. People complain about banks, but try getting rid of them and see how much interest you get when your savings are in a bin bag in the attic. End of.’
England won the Ashes
‘I can’t get enthusiastic about any sport where the trophy is smaller than a tin of beans. I like competitions where there’s a very real chance that the winner of the ladies’ version might not be able to lift the trophy over her head. I was recently on a dinner date in Pret a Manger and the lady I was with expressed the view that all sportspeople should take performance- enhancing drugs. She believed this to be the only way to create a level playing field.I countered that certain types of steroids, if used on a long-term basis, shrink your balls. After that we ate in silence.’
Murray won Wimbledon
‘As a sports commentator in the ’90s, I never did get to grips with the rules of tennis. But I enjoyed it all the same. I missed the final this year as I was at the tip getting rid of some electricals. If memory serves, an old iron, a knackered Lean, Mean, Grilling Machine and a massive microwave. But perhaps my fondest tennis memory is from a pro-celeb tournament I took part in at the Queen’s Club in 1987. I can’t remember how I played but I do remember popping to the loo during the drinks reception afterwards, accidentally going into the ladies’ and walking in on Annabel Croft having a wee with the door open. Funny old day.’
Alan Partridge’s 2013 knowing me, knowing review (of the year)
North Norfolk’s foremost radio DJ gives his unique opinion on 2013’s top stories
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