Heads up! We’re working hard to be accurate – but these are unusual times, so please always check before heading out.
Attending one’s school reunion is a bit like going to a 5ive concert: hugely depressing, yet secretly fascinating, and likely to feature a live performance from the band 5ive.
So, in the process of researching our new show ‘The Reunion’ (and to save you the trauma of actually going to your school reunion), we’ve assembled a searingly accurate guide to what’s become of everyone you ever went to school with.
The Head Girl
Though annoyingly sensible at school, she’s since embraced her wild side by marrying a Kenyan tribesman in a traditional ceremony on her gap year. Take that, Dad!
Despite being a quiet and marginal presence at school, he has nonetheless gone on to be a surprisingly successful serial killer.
After five years of running rampant over the weaker kids, the bully has learnt that the only things an aggressive personality get you are ceaseless promotions and a fast-track up the career ladder. Bosh.
Subtly downgraded his life-plan from ‘England captain by 21’ to ‘clean by Christmas’.
The Party Animal
The Posh Girl What does a 2:2 in communications get you? Well, in her case, a £70k-a-year, three-day-a-week role in her father’s publishing firm. Still ridiculously attractive.
Things are going really well with the band. I mean, they’ve set up a Kickstarter page, so there’s that…
The Foreign Exchange Student
Sadly – and this proves a number of the crueller schoolyard jibes right – Dmitri actually was a Russian spy.
Fast-tracked into Oxford aged 16, taught herself ancient Greek at 17 and burned out at 17 and three months (it was all the Greek). Now works as the receptionist at a Belgian hostel, while fitfully working on her debut novel ‘Galactic Apostle’ (currently 4,500 pages of sparkling ancient Greek prose).
The Class Clown
Having long attempted to fill the yawning chasm of emptiness in his soul with pithy classroom quips (highly irritating), he’s sadly discovered a likeminded attention-craver with whom he now performs narrative sketch comedy (Soho Theatre, till October 12).