Nothing very bad could ever happen in The Dorchester Spa. So acutely drilled are the staff and so invisible are the processes that keep the oasis running like a well oiled machine, that you can literally relax to the point of regression. Every need will be taken care of (even those you never thought you had, like the absolute requirement for some biscotti biscuits after a massage), and obliging therapists with mollifying tones will hold your hand every step of the way, from showing you where to hang your robe to rustling up a hairband because you were too disorganised to bring one.
In terms of treatments, The Dorchester is king of the complete body experience, including full mud wraps, mineral cleanses and the luxurious rose cocoon which starts with a gentle all-body exfoliation, followed by an application of rose oil, cream and gel. You’re then wrapped up and distracted by a sleep-inducing head massage as the moisturising combo takes hold.
While there’s no sauna to relax in afterward, a supremely elegant Spatisserie serves naughty afternoon teas and flutes of champagne to would-be virtuous ladies in robes. The spa also has a nail studio and hair salon and does some killer, Hollywood-worthy facials and excellent pregnancy treatments. It’s all very grown up and deeply luxe: a muted palette, pretty flowers and plush fabrics make the changing rooms and waiting areas feel like a hangout in heaven, while the moody blue relaxation room inspires you to unwind. The Dorchester spa a great spot to spoil your mum, treat your maid of honour or hang out with ‘the girls’. Though if you want to disappear from your life for a couple of hours, and leave every decision to someone else, it’s also London’s safest pair of spa hands.