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21 of the spiciest takes about London

Opinions about your city that you’re too scared to say out loud

India Lawrence
Written by
Alice Savile
India Lawrence

1. The Garden Bridge would have actually been cool.

2. London’s heart was ripped out when they closed the Big Topshop.

3. A half-dead monstera plant doesn’t elevate your flat. Even if it’s from Columbia Road Market.

4. The Elizabeth line is TOO COLD.

5. Pub fans: don’t forget that Wetherspoons have regularly cleaned toilets and plenty of seats

6. It’s not that hard to walk around people standing on the left of the escalator.

7. Camden is good. It has proper old-man boozers and a canal. 

8. No one wants to dunk on immersive theatre because paying £70 to forlornly chase a performer around a dimly-lit warehouse is embarrassing. 

9. Soho is much better now it’s full of decent restaurants and not gross sex shops and creeps. 

10. M&M World is meant for kids and it’s fine. 

11. People stan Rowans because it reminds them of being a fun-starved 14-year-old in a bleak suburban leisure centre.

12. You can get to south London on public transport. It’s not very difficult. 

13. Pret coffee is fucking delicious. 

14. No plate of pasta is worth more than ten quid. 

15. There are only two decent London breweries. 

16. There is no need for a piano on a railway station.

17. You should take pictures on Waterloo Bridge too.

18. Pizza Express doughballs is the best small plate in London.

19. At least 50 percent of West End theatres aren’t fit for purpose and should be demolished and replaced by ugly but functional venues that have decent-sized seats and won’t fall down.

20. Winter Wonderland is the most fun of any London festival.

21. Beefeaters are quite shit.

Here are the things that London still does better than anywhere else, in our opinion.

All the best spicy stuff you can eat in London right about now.

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