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Dane Baptiste’s top three places to take a poo in London

Written by
Time Out London contributors

What do you do if you wanna take a poo in an English country garden? I wouldn’t know, I live in London. As a London resident, being cash rich and time poor, finding the space to eat, live, pray and love isn’t always easy. There’s a lot of shit to deal with, especially when you need one! Here are some tips on convenient places to defecate in your city.


Typically only paying customers can relieve themselves in pub toilets, but if you give the impression that you’re meeting friends/a date who stands you up (acted out with fake phone call for good effect), everyone will understand why you need a number two, as the world has shitted on you.

Upscale department stores

Selfridges, Harvey Nicks, Harrods. Who poos there? The rich (like you), that’s who. And a rich person won’t be questioned about if they’re buying anything. Maybe bring
a cravat or monocle to complete the illusion.

Comedy clubs

It’s hard to hear your butt burping when everyone is laughing. Comedy clubs provide excellent facilities, with the talented acts loosening your belly in the best way.
Don’t tell anyone I told y’all…

Dane Baptiste: ‘The Chocolate Chip’. Soho Theatre. m Tottenham Court Rd. Mar 2-14 2020.

Find out about the best comedy nights in London 

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