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Rhys James imagines London in ten years' time

By Time Out London contributors
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For our comedy special, Rhys James offers a view of London from the future...

Gentrification spreads from the centre like a kombucha spill. We come to accept the definition of ‘gentrified’ as
‘has a Gail’s bakery now’.

East London becomes so vintage the plague returns, localised in Hackney Wick.

Brexit causes house prices to soar as people accept their ‘move to Paris to drink tiny coffees for a year’ fantasies are dead and demand increases.

Alternatively, a lack of Brexit causes house prices to soar as homeowners decide they need more money to pay for tiny coffees in Paris next year.

A giant inflatable flailing tube man is erected in the City by a YouTube prankster for the sole purpose of ruining the establishing drone shots on ‘The Apprentice’.

Zones 1 and 2 become permanently pedestrianised to meet the demand for marches. 

Every car is now a Prius, as decreed by UN President Thunberg, causing mass confusion as to whether or not your Uber has arrived.

Niche sport bars like Flight Club, Bounce and those mad warehouses for tiny golf inspire more novelty nerd-sport pubs. The most talked about include Catch (indoor fishing), Windy City (indoor kite-flying) and the extremely short-lived Gulp (sword-swallowing).

Visitors from the north still somehow end up plonked directly into Leicester Square and go home believing London is an Angus Steakhouse and three beatboxers.

Rhys James: ‘Snitch’. Leicester Square Theatre. Leicester Square. Mar 13 2020.

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