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I wouldn’t have a house party; mucky beggars messing up my home? I’m not that daft. If you choose to do so, take these precautions and you won’t go wrong, my loves.
1. Lay down the law, loves
These are your friends, so before the party you say, ‘This is what’s going to happen. I love you, but if you’re not willing to adhere to these rules, mate, you can’t come.’
2. Ditch the shoes
When people enter your home, get them to take off their shoes. They’re your mates and that’s what mates are for. There’s more damage done with dirty shoes than you can shake a stick at.
3. Reach for the soda
Have some soda water in a spray bottle. If somebody drops a coloured drink on your cream carpet, spray soda water as quickly as you can on that mark. Soak it. Grab the paper towels. Rip one off. Bang, bang, bang! Then if you have a slightly dark mark, you can easily shampoo that off with a carpet cleaner by hand the next day.
4. Keep it food-free
Stress to guests that there will be snacks. Sausage rolls; sausages on sticks. But you won’t be cooking. That is absolutely fraught with danger. A whole bowl of curry could go over the sofa!
5. Cover it up
Always have coasters. You can go to a charity shop and pick up six for two quid. Have them everywhere. All drinks leave a mark on a table. People associate those stains with hot drinks. Not true.
6. Say NO to hanky-panky
Don’t let people sneak off for a bit of hanky-panky. Those sorts of nonsenses – the perspiration and all the passions (well, we’re all grown up) – they leave stains! If you want to have a bit of the other, dear, GO HOME!
7. Get some rest, dears
I’d have the party on a Saturday so I can prepare. And then, go to bed, dear, sleep it off, get up and face the mess. You won’t have damage if you keep all these rules. It’s only hard labour when you’ve allowed it to get filthy. When you’ve done that, you deserve what you get, dear. You’re a clot!