Letters from a London dominatrix

Londoners have kink on their cornflakes these days. Post-‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, you can unabashedly read saucy literature on the tube, buy spanking equipment on the high street and introduce a bit of BDSM (that’s bondage, discipline and sadomasochism for the few of you who aren’t reading this through a gimp mask) into your suburban bedroom.

All sorts of characters are appearing from behind previously closed curtains, including north-west London’s Mistress Xena. A dominatrix of Amazonian proportions, she has just published a book of letters written to her by slaves (clients, in other words) detailing all the weird stuff they want her to do to them.

Writing a letter is a condition of entry to Mistress Xena’s dungeon. Be honest with her and she’ll reward you... or, indeed, punish you. When I got in touch I wasn’t quite ready to have a toilet brush shoved up my bum, but I was curious about this once-secret part of the city’s sexlife.

Here’s how our correspondence unfolded.

Dear Mistress Xena

I’m a Time Out writer and a very naughty boy. Is that how these things usually start? Because I’ve never written to a dominatrix before. I do, however, want to find out more. Perhaps you could fill me in (not a euphemism). For starters, what’s with the letters?

Yours curiously,
Jonny


Dear J

Thanks for your message. It does indeed seem that your errant ways merit correction. But, we can get to that.

What’s with the letters? It’s simple. Clients can’t always talk comfortably about their sessions. They clam up when I ask what sort of whip or dildo they want me to use. So, I started encouraging them to write a description of their ideal visit to me beforehand.

The variety is what keeps things interesting. I have a gentleman who’s into ladies’ watches, and one who’s into clogs. One guy likes to be asked Trivial Pursuit questions and be punished when he gets them wrong. Women often complain that men have no imagination, but they should see what goes on in my dungeon.

Mistress Xena

Dear Mistress Xena

I hate to lose at Trivial Pursuit, so I’ll pass on the quiz-based spanking, thanks. Re: the ‘dungeon’, that sounds just a tad intimidating. I’m almost afraid to ask, but what could I expect to happen in there? Also, aren’t your clients annoyed at you revealing their secrets?

Yours nervously,
Jonny


Dear J

In a session you might end up on the rack, or in the whipping stool or the cage. It can be quite intimidating – I’ve had big guys peek inside the door, and tell me, ‘If you put me in that cage, I’ll shit myself.’ But I won’t do anything that causes anyone any permanent damage. Some things are just assault!There’s an art to tying someone up, for example, or kicking them in the balls.

The dungeon is not a place to be angry. Some women tell me that they’d love to punish men for a living. But if you have a client who’s 83 with Parkinson’s you don’t just beat the shit out of him!

Mistress Xena

Dear Mistress Xena

As much as I’d like to leave my poor testicles out of proceedings, I’m at least reassured that my balls would be in safe hands (or should be that feet?) I’m wondering, though, there must be rules – for clients and for you, personally? Where do you draw the line?

Yours obediently,
Jonny


Dear J

There are strict rules, including no sex and no touching without permission. Also, clients have to be clean. I’ve got a very strong sense of smell, and if I’m in the dungeon the last thing I want to be thinking is: Oh my God, that BO’s making my eyes burn!

I won’t do racist abuse, which is actually quite popular – among clients who are Jewish or black, for example. Another area I absolutely won’t go into is hard sports, also known as ‘caviar’, or ‘brown showers’. Get the picture? It’s disgusting!

I’m not against water sports. Urine’s sterile. It’s just that if you’re wearing a tight corset it’s hard to hold on if you have a full bladder. The session just becomes about not peeing too early. It literally interrupts the flow.

Mistress Xena

Dear Mistress Xena

That last letter put me right off my chicken tikka masala. I don’t think your sessions are for me. One last thing, though: what do your clients get out of them? And what do you get out of your job?

Yours nauseously,
Jonny


Dear J

Let me tell you a story. At my first ever session I was assisting another mistress as she saw to a little old gentleman. The mistress said to him, ‘Slave, I have something for you.’ Then she bent over and farted in his face. He sat back, looking very contented, and said, ‘Thank you, mistress. May I have another?’ I just sat there trying not to laugh. My job is fun and funny, and it’s that side of it that I enjoy.

As for my clients... you have to remember, most men are under pressure to perform, sexually. I offer a different environment, in which men don’t have to be in control. It chills them out.

Think on it, Jonny. And remember, my dungeon door is always open…

Mistress Xena

‘Submitted: Letters to a Dominatrix’ is available now, published by Probe Partners.