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[title]London is very lovely at times: it can be the most romantic city in the world if, a) you happen to catch it at just the right Golden Hour light or, b) you’re going over one of the big bridges on the bus by yourself after two to four pints. But it is, of course, populated by people, many of whom are dreadful, and – dare I say it? – even ick-inducing.
Between weirdos who click their fingers at service staff (not exclusive to London but in oddly high abundance here), the Hinge date who wants to go to a cat café and the man who physically pushed me at High Street Kensington station the other week, the icks – quick little jolts of disgust that rise in your stomach and shiver across your skin and basically render any good feeling null and void in the moment – that Londoners are capable of producing are as diverse as the city itself.
We have, however, narrowed it down to 30 of the worst, for your reading displeasure. Congratulations to anyone who can make it through this list without feeling a bit itchy.
1. Anyone carrying a tote bag featuring a bookshop, wine bar or upmarket bakery.
2. Estate agents who show up to viewings and sort of have to unfold themselves out of their Smart cars.
3. The entire clientele of Piano Works (any branch) at midnight.
4. Anyone who suggests The Faltering Fullback (north) or The Montpelier (south) as a good meeting spot for a first date.
5. Any poor soul who has surrendered to the Pret subscription, like just on a conceptual level how is anyone drinking that many hot beverages? Is everything all right at home? Is your piss an okay colour, pal?
6. The former ‘Sloppy Joe Ron Swanson Gutbuster Burger’ guys who have now become Big Sandwich guys, which is annoying because I love Big Sandwiches and I don’t wish to claim these people as members of my community.
7. The date who wants to take you to ‘this great street-food spot’ and it’s Vinegar Yard.
8. The date who asks to try no less than five beers at a taproom and then opts for… yeah, actually, just a lager.
9. The date who says ‘burrata’ in an Italian accent to the waiter in Franco Manca.
10. The date who calls you ‘immature’ when you suggest ‘Shrek’s Adventure’ instead of a skin contact wine bar.
11. Food TikTokers zooming in and out on their dinners for five minutes before eating it, which is somehow weirder and more uncanny than taking a photo.
12. Yourself when you trip down the station escalator and/or get your bag stuck in the tube doors.
13. Everyone at brunch (counterpoint: everyone at bottomless brunch is a legend).
14. People who queue up for Platform 9¾.
15. Bartenders in central or the City why try to neg you because you order a Pornstar and it’s like, ‘Bro, you’re wearing braces.’
16. Every single Sunday-morning Brockwell Park stroller doing a smug face because they’re finally getting to wear their £600 Big Coat.
17. The many, many blokes with undone top buttons in Broadgate Circle at 6pm on a Friday.
18. The person taking up an entire café table with their laptop (ie, me).
19. Tech bros who call Old Street ‘Silicon Roundabout’.
20. Stick-and-poke tattoo artists who still hang out at The Shacklewell Arms and The Old Blue Last.
21. People who have made ‘really liking the Barbican’ their whole personality.
22. People who have made ‘living on a canal boat’ their whole personality.
23. Gals who have made ‘going to the Hampstead Heath Ladies Pond sometimes’ their whole personality.
24. People who have made ‘going to Crossbreed’ their whole personality.
25. People who insist on cycling to every single social event they’re invited to.
26. Anyone who has ever eaten a phallic waffle at one of the frankly ludicrous number of London eateries selling phallic waffles.
27. Anyone who has posted their trip to the Yayoi Kusama Infinity Rooms on their story.
28. People who rub their hands together before running up the steps at Covent Garden station, two at a time.
29. Middle-aged men who take great pleasure in overtaking ‘analogue’ cyclists on their eBikes. Congrats, mate: yours literally has an engine.
30. Drinkers of Chin Chin Vinho Verde.