One evening, feeling at a loose end, I went into the kitchen and re-arranged my cutlery drawer. That done, I wrote a list of 20 people I know who you never see wearing yellow. I then followed that with an hour sticking cigarette papers to every visible part of my coffee table. I was then so bereft of anything worthwhile to do, I switched on my TV.
The first channel was showing a cookery programme. I switched channels. Another cookery programme. I switched channels again. I couldn’t believe it! Every channel I switched to was showing a cookery programme. In vain I tried the news channels. BBC News was doing an item about cookery programmes. Sky News, to be fair, was featuring a totally unbiased report about unethical misdeeds in the tabloid press, but the presenter was simultaneously preparing a squid bake garnished with fresh coriander. Finally, I tried a a nature channel – it was screening a programme on the lions of the Serengeti and how delicious they are roasted and served up on a bed of rocket salad drizzled with walnut and olive oil.
I phoned a friend who watches television a lot. I said; ‘Hey, is it all just cookery programmes on television now?’ ‘Yes, that’s all that’s on’, she said. ‘Now I must go, a man is chopping an onion.’
What is a cookery programme exactly? Well, it is the constituent elements of a meal. There are some humans. There are cooking implements. The humans use the cooking implements to join the constituent elements together to create an entire meal. That is a cookery programme. All of them.
Is this is what John Logie Baird had in mind when he plugged in his first proto-box? ‘Jings! Now, having cooked a meal in their own homes, the nation can finally sit down and watch other people cooking a meal in another part of the country! Ma work is done!’
I mean, there’s nothing wrong with a cookery programme per se. But hundreds of them? Every day and every night? I propose a revolution, comrades! I say we storm the offices of the lazy, cheapskate commissioners of these mass-produced sizzle-fests with whisks, basting spoons, liquidisers and frying pans and cook their collective goose! Show them we’ve got better taste! Make a meal of THEM!
Anyone with me? Or… Or we could just keep taking it. Open wide and let them keep sliding shovelful after shovelful of hob-based bollocks down our throats until the end of all ingredients.
Or! Wait a minute! How about this? Why not give my show, ‘It’s Kevin!’ a go on BBC2 starting Sunday March 17? There’s only a bit of cookery in it. Promise.
'It's Kevin' begins Sunday March 17, 10.30pm, BBC2.