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The best drinking quotes of all time

These drinking quotes will inspire you to hit up NYC’s best bars and caption crazy cocktails on Instagram

Photograph: Shutterstock

If you can’t remember your own drinking quotes by the time the next morning rolls around, we rounded up the best ones for you. Want to show off at New York’s swankiest cocktail bars? Need a caption for your craziest drink photos on Instagram? Here’s a handy list of the funniest, wisest and drunkest drinking quotes out there. From historical figures to the best comedians, people can’t stop talking about booze.

RECOMMENDED: See all of the best bars in NYC

1. "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” —George Carlin

2. “I drink to make other people more interesting.” —Ernest Hemingway

3. “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” —Ogden Nash

4.“After the first glass, you see things as you wish they were. After the second, you see things as they are not. Finally, you see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.” —Oscar Wilde

5. “I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly.” —Ron Burgundy, Anchorman

6. “A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.” —Charlie Chaplin

7. “Beer, if drunk in moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit and promotes health.” —Thomas Jefferson

8. “The more I drink, the less there is for the kids to drink.” —Phoebe Buffay, Friends

9. “There comes a time in every woman's life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne.” —Bette Davis

10. "Wine is sunlight, held together by water." —Galileo

11. “Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” —Ernest Hemingway

12. “In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I’m sorry, did I say ‘scientists’? I meant Irish people.” —Tina Fey

13. “They say as soon as you have to cut down on your drinking, you have a drinking problem.” —Don Draper, Mad Men

14. “Independence is a heady draught, and if you drink it in your youth, it can have the same effect on the brain as young wine does. It does not matter that its taste is not always appealing. It is addictive and with each drink you want more.” —Maya Angelou

15. “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” —Winston Churchill

16. “I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.” —Dean Martin

17. “I don't have a drinking problem, 'cept when I can't get a drink." —Tom Waits

18. “Beer, it’s the best damn drink in the world.” —Jack Nicholson

19. “Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough.” —Mark Twain

20. “I pray you, do not fall in love with me, for I am falser than vows made in wine.”—William Shakespeare

21. “I work until beer o’clock.” —Stephen King

22. “Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whisky and a dog to eat the rare steak.” —Johnny Carson

23. “Here’s to alcohol, the rose-colored glasses of life.” —F. Scott Fitzgerald

24. “That's what I do. I drink and I know things.” —Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones

25. “They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.” —Stephen Colbert

26. “Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.” —Steve Martin

27. “There's a special rung in hell reserved for people who waste good scotch.” —Lt. Archie Hicox, Inglourious Basterds

28. “Vodka is kind of a hobby.” —Betty White

29. "Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer." —Arnold Schwarzenegger

30. “Don't be such a square. Everybody who's anybody drinks.” —Lorraine Baines, Back to the Future

31. “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” —Benjamin Franklin

32. “Wasted away again in Margaritaville.” —Jimmy Buffett

33. “Never lie, steal, cheat or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.” —Alex Hitch, Hitch

34. “Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.” —Frank Sinatra

35. “There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.” —Chelsea Handler

36. “Why is the rum gone?” —Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

37. "The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober." —William Butler Yeats

38. “We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort, it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well-made cocktail.” —David Sedaris

39. “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.” —Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation

40. "My justification is that most people my age spend a lot of time thinking about what they’re going to do for the next five or 10 years. The time they spend thinking about their life, I just spend drinking." —Amy Winehouse

41. “You say potato, I say vodka.” —Karen Walker, Will & Grace

42. “What good can drinkin' do, what good can drinkin' do? / Lord, I drink all night but the next day I still feel blue.” —Janis Joplin

43. “Wine makes daily living easier, less hurried, with fewer tensions and more tolerance.” —Benjamin Franklin

44. “Shaken, not stirred.” —James Bond, Goldfinger

45. “A man may acquire a taste for wine or brandy, and so lose his love for water, but should we not pity him.” —Henry David Thoreau

46. “A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50 and a fool if he doesn’t afterward.” —Frank Lloyd Wright

47. “Wine is the most healthful and most hygienic of beverages.” —Louis Pasteur

48. “[I]t is the wine that leads me on, the wild wine that sets the wisest man to sing at the top of his lungs, laugh like a fool—it drives the man to dancing…it even tempts him to blurt out stories better never told.” —Homer

49. “My own experience has been that the tools I need for my trade are paper, tobacco, food and a little whiskey.” —William Faulkner

50. “Here’s to alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all life’s problems.” —Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

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