Don’t go overboard with fall in NYC, please

Summer can suck it; fall is my season and my reason for life. While the rest of this world is closing up shop for the winter, I am coming into my own. I’m enrobed in the season’s oranges and reds and flooded in its soups and ciders. I even love fall’s sounds—all that crackling and crunching and shit. While others may believe the “sexy lumberjack” is a thing of the past, fall reminds me that the look will never go out of style. I am reborn as I don my puffer vest and slip my hands into its fleecy pockets for the first time this year. I know the best spots for apple picking, and I know Fuji from Honeycrisp by sight. I invented the pumpkin spice pizza. My very fragrance is nutmeg and cinnamon. Halloween is coming fast, and yes, I whipped up my Stranger-Things-kids-as-Ghostbusters outfit as soon as the show’s trailer dropped. But some New Yorkers take the season way, way too far. Take the subject below as a prime example of fall pushed to its limit. 

1. Single red leaf pressed inside book, for rediscovering and sighing over in January

2. Arms toned by lifting a thousand pumpkins in front of face, for Instagram purposes only

3. Scarf: like being reborn from an alpaca vagina

4. Boots for heavy-duty hiking over patches of Second Avenue construction dirt

5. Ever-ready to describe an apple or the air as “crisp”

6. All things squash in the piehole. No pumpkin spice, no dice.

7. Eyes closed during every inhale of breath, indicating an unrivaled appreciation for the year’s most refreshing O₂ molecules

8. Sweater: perfect for cuddling with yourself

9. Dressed solely in colors I identify as “bordeaux,” “oak” and “burnt sienna”

10. Skimming Greek philosopher Epicurus. Though fall is good for contemplating mortality, you know, YOLO.

Illustration: James Clapham