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Eight NYC life lessons from comedian Chloe Hilliard

By
Nick Leftley
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Whether we like it or not, we’re always learning something from living in New York—even if it’s just the answer to “What’s that smell?” (The answer is pee. It’s always pee.) Some things are so important, though, that it seems like everyone in this town should be taught them the moment they’re old enough. Here, Brooklyn-born comedian Chloe Hilliard—who killed it at last year's Time Out New York Women of Comedy show—runs down her best survival tips for the city ahead of her hour-long Breakout Artist show at Carolines this week.

1. Make the first date brunch
Ladies, you have a smaller chance of being killed before 1pm. No one’s going missing after eggs Benedict. 

2. Don't take candy from strangers
Unless you're going into diabetic shock, do not buy candy on the train. That man doesn’t belong to a Little League team—he’s 37. Save your good hearted money for a 7-Eleven, they’re struggling.

3. Get used to having roommates
If you meet someone who lives alone they’re either a drug mule, killed the previous tenant, or work in finance.

4. Don't start up a conversation
NYC is a mass transit town, and your last defense from the crazy is earbuds. If someone asks for directions or an old lady falls, just mute, help, then move on.

5. Don’t pet the animals
If you see a loose four-legged creature roaming the streets at night it’s probably a rat. Even if it’s a cat, it’s been on the streets long enough it’s taken on rat traits.   

6. Remember: Street meat saves lives
After a long night of drinking, hit up that questionable meat cart to lower your blood alcohol level for only $5 a plate. 

7. It's all about the day drinking
No one goes out to nightclubs anymore thanks to twentzillas (20-something, monsters with disposable income) and Marxist bottle service. Instead, we dance in trendy restaurants in-between bites of french toast from 12-6pm.

8. If you’re white, you will be blamed for gentrification 
It doesn't matter that you worked at Walmart or lived in a trailer park back home, and trying to convince your new neighbors that you know the struggle will only make it worse.

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