Horror movie is right—last night’s episode, fittingly titled “Hostage Situation,” opens on Marnie and Desi going at it, although at least now she seems to be showing some semblance of regret for cheating on Ray. (She literally screams “I’m a fucking monster!” mid-coitus, which, like, Marn, you’re not wrong.)
To help cover Marnie’s tryst, Hannah third-wheels with the forbidden lovers on a secret weekend rendezvous to Poughkeepsie. It’s as awful as it sounds—Desi is dressed like Steve Zissou, Marnie’s taking style cues from Thelma & Louise–era Susan Sarandon, and they’re driving to Lite FM covers of “Karma Police.” While exploring the town, Hannah temporarily escapes the terrible twosome and comes upon a bewitching shop owner (played by Parenthood’s Joy Bryant) who tells her life story, which includes falling onto the subway’s third rail and being saved by “Law & Order’s own Chris Noth.” Oh, okay.
The “very Teen Witch-y” moment concludes with Hannah being gifted a tea set, which is promptly shattered during a particularly scary fight between Desi and Marnie after the missus finds a mason jar of OxyContin in his “private briefcase.” (Oof, Charlie 2.0.) Turns out, Desi is a drug addict who’s been using for a year, including on their wedding day. The music turns sinister and Desi keeps resurrecting like Ghostface but, finally, the girls physically remove him from the cabin.
This leads to a surprisingly mature heart-to-heart between Hannah and Marnie. Hannah, seemingly still buzzing off the chill vibes she gained during her Montauk excursion last episode, promises that she’s done judging and acting superior to Marnie. She’ll help her best friend out of this mess, which she does, literally hauling a bloodied and dazed Desi back into the convertible for the journey home.
Back in the city, Shoshanna ropes Elijah into attending a women’s networking club dubbed WEMUN—that’s Women Entrepreneurs Meet Up Now, natch—as her fake executive assistant. (“Hopefully the woman who invited Spanx will be there, because I have a lot to thank her for.”) Jessa also tags along, albeit wholly uninvited.
WEMUN is founded by Shoshanna’s now uber-successful former college BFFs, who she dumped way back when to instead hang out with Jessa. They don’t respond to Shosh’s appeals to reconnect, leaving her dejected and quick to snap at judgmental Jessa. Jessa bites back about Marnie sleeping with Ray, but then Elijah lets it slip that, actually, Marnie’s sleeping with Desi. (That’s sure to get back to Ray now, no?) “Grow up!” Jessa shouts, before storming off into the night. Really, it’s advice that every Girls character should take to heart.
“That’s my best friend—she’s stuck in this psycho-sexual hamster wheel with this total fuck nugget, so.”–Hannah
“They’re like Khloe Kardashian and Bethenny Frankel, if those women weren’t amazing and total revolutionaries.”–Jessa
“He looks like someone in the Pacific Northwest knit a man.”–Hannah
“If you’re using Marnie to justify your behavior, then ew.”–Shoshanna.