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Catherine Cohen
Photograph: Courtesy Beatrice Helman

Catherine Cohen: Advice from a Hot/Shy Bitch

Musical comedy supernova Catherine Cohen shares her beauty and lifestyle secrets

Written by
Catherine Cohen

It’s no secret to my beautiful fans that I live an incredibly glamorous life. On any given day, I’ll wake naturally around noon, roll over, grab my phone, and scroll through apps until it dies. When my phone is dead, I know it’s time to begin my day. It isn’t easy being an icon, but someone has to do it. Here’s an unsolicited guide to what makes

My beauty routine is simple. I soak in a hot bathtub two-four times a day, cover my face in Vaseline and let Mother Nature have her way with me. My hair has a mind of its own, so I rarely tame it. Lately, I’ve been leaning into my unibrow, which mostly just means I have a unibrow and talk about it a lot. In terms of makeup, I live for a playful cat eye or a bold lip. Life is supposed to be fun!!!!!!!

My daily uniform is a high-waisted pant with a playful crop top. I love to accentuate my female form and can’t wait for my size-10 ass to be on TV. I live for colors that hurt to look at and think velvet should be worn year-round. In the winter, it’s all about a fur coat. In the summer, it’s all about putting deodorant between my thighs so they don’t rub together when I walk. Heavy is the head that wears the crown...

I love going to The Gym, or as I like to call it, Equinox. In the past I’ve paid trainers thousands of dollars to tell me to drag a bag of sand across the floor, but now I usually do some squats or take a yoga class. Sometimes I’ll just go to wash and blowdry my hair. On the weekends, I like to go on a long, picturesque jog through Prospect Park. I jog at a pace that most people would call “walking,” but that’s honestly their problem. Sometimes I jog to the donut store like a cartoon. Peter Pan Donut in Greenpoint is my favorite. I think you should do whatever makes you feel good, instead of bad. Life is hard enough, babe!

If people aren’t looking at me for at least an hour each night, I do legally pass away, so it’s important for me to get as much stage time as possible. I perform regularly at Club Cumming in the East Village with my dear friend, collaborator, and guru Henry Koperski. Our show, Cabarnet Cabaret, is my heart and soul and features the best up and coming performers in NYC & beyond. New York is the best city in the world and the vibe at Club Cumming is what I always dreamed NYC would be when I was a tiny bitch growing up in Texas. All of my fans are young gay men named Tyler and that is how I like it!

I also host a show with my best friends Mitra Jouhari and Patti Harrison at Union Hall called It’s A Guy Thing, which is a dream. We’ve been doing the show for a few years now and Union Hall is my favorite bar in Brooklyn—it looks like a library but instead of reading you get to drink!

I love performing and am a complete psycho about keeping my voice in good shape since I sing in my act. I try to drink three liters of water a day, I don’t ever scream or cough, and I’m constantly walking down the street doing vocal warmups. Am I crazy? Oh, for sure!

I currently live in Crown Heights and usually treat myself to an Uber home after a show if it's late. I’m worth it! Plus, the MTA is so slow it makes me sob. I like to listen to indie rock as I traverse the bridge—my life, a movie; and I, the starlet. Can I afford to Uber home? I find out at the end of the month! Life is a cabaret, baby!

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