Life according to Shelah

We look to Shelah for some tough love on how to tackle the dilemmas we are all facing today

Photo: Eric Chow/Blink Studio

A red lipstick is… red? It’s not pink, is it?

Age is… appropriate.

Always wear… clothes. Especially if you’re a lawyer on a mountain.

As you go through life you’ll see… better if you’re not glued to your phone.

Dating in KL is… a foreign concept. I mean, who even knows what a date is nowadays? It’s all about apps, how many metres away you are and dirty messy business (I mean sex!).

Freedom of choice is… no longer viable. Don’t ask, don’t talk. For awhile it was also ‘don’t wear shorts, must wear sarong’. And not even a nice sarong! If you’re going to impose your narrow medieval thoughts on me, the very least you could do is provide me with a pretty piece of sarong. I’m not going to cover myself up with the crap you’re giving me.

Genius is… sorry, what was the question? Oh, genius is when a light bulb suddenly appears above your head and you wonder where the ‘dimmer’ switch is.

Growing up is… kind of fun. Making decisions not based on who has the best score on Candy Crush. Seriously people, what is this manic devotion/ addiction to the game? Never mind that the game is years old, I’m still getting requests to play it. Play other games please. For example, Monopoly, the game of buying and building an empire with other people’s money. You’ll find yourself asking at every turn, ‘Mana money tu?’

Harder, faster, stronger but… how will you have enough time to breathe? No point rushing to a destination when you don’t even know where you’re going. Every now and then slow down, watch what you’re doing, readjust, improve and then put on your best face and walk.

I’ve never told this to anyone… and I never will.

If you have nothing nice to say then… just be nasty. Oh you already are! Then please find a way to say it constructively or with a smile. Why you all so bitter and angry and jealous? I’m only assuming because I pass a lot of you in the streets and only one out of ten will return my smile. Please lahvers, let’s just be a little friendlier to each other – because you don’t want me speaking my mind the moment you let one of your negatively-toned comments out. Trust me. I may look like a life-size candy-coated Barbie but inside I’m Wonder Woman, warrior princess and, in the New 52, the God of War. (Yeah, I read comics.)

If you’re still single at 40… you’re in the same boat as me. Fabulous. (That’s what I tell myself. I also ask myself why I’m single.)

In the olden days… TVs were in black and white and colour was what you saw outside the window.

Kebodohan is when… the kuih looks delicious but tastes like crap.

Keep calm and… slowly back away from Facebook.

Life is like… a box of kebodohan.

Madonna will… always be able to put her legs behind her head.

Shelah

Nothing is more important than… everything. If you have to ask what this means, then everything is far more important to you than nothing. When you have nothing, you can begin and strive to make something worthwhile.

On a bad day there’s always… a dumb-ass telling you to relax.

Oops, I did it again… then please don’t. I’m having a bad day. Talk to my wrist because the hand is tired.

The Achilles’ heel of KL is… We should not be talking about these Greek ideas. It’s not part of our culture. Also Greece is broke. We are only slightly better because our money is just missing.

The best pick-up line is… What time will it be ready? I’ll send someone to pick it up.

The first lady of Malaysia… was not Eve. She may not have been a Siti either. Actually I’m a little blurry on my history of Malaysia. Technically the first lady is Queen Elizabeth, right? Because we gained independence from her, right? Right? I’m so confused. Now ask me who was the first lady of Malaya? Do you know? I don’t think there was one. History is funny. No one pays any attention to it; yet those who do are always ready to rewrite it for their own gains.

The one thing a first date cannot survive is… you. Stop imagining your wedding day. Just enjoy the date.

This country is… Malaysia. Still a young country; lots of juvenile squabbling.

Tipping is… testing my patience. Just pour the wine properly. Can or not?

Wearing a huge wig has changed… the height of ceilings.

When I was young… What do you mean ‘when’? I still am. Now where’s that skin-tightening cream?

Never cry over… spilt milk. You can cry over other things. Like service charge.

Respect… is spelt B-O-W-D-O-W-N-B-I-T-C-H-E-S.

The world doesn't owe you… You owe it… the World. (Wah, so deep!)

When you’re stuck in a jam, you… better have some bread or crackers. Also resist tooting your car horn for no bloody reason. It’s traffic. NOBODY is moving anytime soon. First time in traffic, is it?

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