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Applying for jobs in London is a gruesome process. From sifting through ads to the dreaded Skype interview (Seriously? Just invite me to your office), it’s a minefield of information that you need to take with a pinch of salt. A big, big pinch. If you’re lost in a sea of salaries and required qualifications, then here is the dictionary you need, my friend:
1. ‘Our office is in a cool, converted warehouse space in an up-and-coming London suburb.’
Translation: Say goodbye to heating, sunshine and work drinks on a Friday.
2. ‘This is a varied role.’
Translation: This role doesn’t really exist yet, so you’ll probably be assisting the marketing department, HR department, customer service department and buying department (and maybe even some departments that don't exist yet), as required. You’re welcome.
3. ‘Easy connections to central London.’
Translation: You like to commute, right?
4. ‘Comfortable working in a fast-paced environment.’
Translation: You’ll be working at London pace. Please relinquish your pillow at the door and never sleep again.
5. ‘Happy to get out of the office and run errands.’
Translation: Bring trainers. You’ll be doing a lunch run to Pret. Often.
6. ‘Salary £20k-£25k, depending on experience.’
Translation: Oh, we were just kidding about the £25K, it’s obviously £20K. Classic recruitment prank.
7. ‘Flexible working hours.’
Translation: We’re so chill. Oh, and make friends with the Night Tube. You’ll need it.
8. ‘There is much scope for growth within the company.’
Translation: If you work without complaining for the next four years, we’ll think about letting you move to the office closest to the kitchen.
9. ‘A fun, forward-thinking, quirky office.’
Translation: There will be an office dog and a view of Old Street from the bean bag chair that you’ll be working from.
10. ‘An exciting startup in the city.’
Translation: We don’t have funding yet, but please work for free? Just for a little while?
11. ‘Travel expenses and lunch will be covered.’
Translation: You’ll be given enough to get here and to survive, ‘Hunger Games’ style.
12. ‘Must be a team player.’
Translation: We go to Sushi Samba every Wednesday for lunch, and since there is no ‘I’ in ‘team’, expect to spend half your monthly salary there.
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