Each week a different comedian addresses Londoners’ issues. This week, ‘Mock the Week’ regular and committed slacktivist, Andy Parsons, tackles your problems head on.
Dear Andy, I need an excuse for getting out of going to a friendís wedding next month. Help me out here. Barry, Hampstead
Dear Barry, Try and have sex with your friend’s other half. Or with your friend. If you succeed, there must be a good chance the wedding would get cancelled anyway. And if you don’t succeed, chances are any excuse you give will be gratefully accepted.
Dear Andy, Wetherspoon's has pro-Brexit beermats. What's the best way to confront this? Steve, Plaistow
Dear Steve, Wetherspoon’s beermats take the form of a letter to Christine Lagarde, managing director of the IMF, from Tim Martin, boss of Wetherspoon’s, and include some questions such as ‘Did anyone elect you?’ Just cross out ‘Dear Christine Lagarde’ at the top of the beermat and write in ‘Dear Tim Martin’ then add a few questions of your own such as ‘Did anyone elect you?’, ‘Why are you against the living wage?’ and ‘Why have you got a mullet?’
Dear Andy, I think I'm addicted to TV. How do I reclaim my life? Sarah-Louise, Chelsea
Dear Sarah-Louise, There’s either aversion therapy where you watch Channel 5 continuously until you can take no more. Or you gradually wean yourself off television completely by watching catch-up on a tiny phone with a poor wifi-connection.
Dear Andy, Look, I get it - this country is rainy. But my colleague deals with his inevitable wet shoes by walking around the office barefoot, and it's revolting. How can I stop him stinking out the place with his plates of meat? Jasmine, Clapton
Dear Jasmine, Hide his shoes. Once he’s walked home barefoot a couple of times, he’ll tend to keep his shoes on in the office.
Dear Andy, I'm losing my hair. When do I know I need to start Bic-ing it? Jack, Fulham
Dear Jack, Embrace the bald. That way you will never have a photo of yourself looking like Tim Martin from Wetherspoon’s.
Andy Parson's appears in Slacktivist Action Group, Soho Theatre. Jun 27. £10.