Each week a different comedian addresses Londoners’ issues. This week, star of the original series of ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway?’, Colin Mochrie, tackles your problems head on.
Dear Colin, It's spring and everyone around me is coupling up and doing the deed. How can I get me a slice of that sweet springtime sex action? Patrick, Hampstead
Dear Patrick, I suppose that if you really need a slice, you could ask them if you can join in. Most couples I know frown upon a third person just jumping in mid-deed. It tends to throw off the rhythm, and the invasion of personal space can also increase anxiety.
Dear Colin, I'm looking for a new place to live, but I have to be interviewed by all my prospective new housemates. Any tips for impressing them? Megan, Clapton
Dear Megan, Dress smartly, arrive on time, present recommendations from previous housemates and lie through your ass: ‘My sister and her friends are finally having a swimsuit shoot in town. I’m going to the afterparty with some close buddies’; ‘I’m an Ethiopian prince, I need a place to stay while my fortune is being sorted out’; ‘I’m Robert Downey Jr.’ An easier method may be to hire a private detective to get dirt on prospective housemates and blackmail them.
Dear Colin, I share everything with my colleague, but she never gives anything back. Last week, she had a spare salad and she gave it to someone else. How can I tell her she's hurt my feelings? Should I move my desk? Jill, Hammersmith
Dear Jill, In my experience, moving furniture to convey an emotional trauma rarely works – unless you move the desk on to her foot. That sends a definite message. Getting this upset about not getting her spare salad, though, leads me to believe that you are not eating enough meat. Vegetarians and vegans, though often lovely people, are very sensitive around greens and occasionally overreact. So leave your desk where it is, eat some meat and tell your colleague she’s a dick.
Dear Colin, I have a crush on the new mayor of London. How can I get a major politician to notice me? Andy, Dagenham
Dear Andy, Sorry, but no one on earth can get a major politician to notice them.
'Whose Line Is It Anyway?...Live' is at The London Palladium. Jun 9-19. From £39.50.