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Daniel Simonsen solves London's problems

By Time Out London editors
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Each week a different comedian addresses Londoners’ issues. This week: Norwegian standup and Erik from ‘House of Fools’...

Dear Daniel, My personal trainer keeps giving me unwanted nutritional guidance. I go to the gym purely so that I can eat Shake Shack twice a week. How do I shut him up? Katie, Hackney

Dear Katie, You have to be even more into the diet than he is. Whenever he brings it up tell him in a painfully dry way about the food you’ve been cooking. Make sure that you tell him the exact same story each time, listing the same ingredients, and that you boringly describe how you prepared each vegetable. Keep repeating this and he will soon try to avoid food as a topic.

Dear Daniel, I have a rat in my garden. What am I going to do? Fran, Tooting

Dear Fran, Go online and order a Have-a-Heart trap. This captures the rat in a box without hurting him. Once you catch him, remember to release him at least ten miles from your house or else he will come back (rats get a huge kick out of this process and would love to return and do it again).

Dear Daniel, Whenever my flatmate is away and I hear any tiny sound during the night, I think that someone is trying to burgle my house/ murder me. Please help! Eliza, Peckham

Dear Eliza, Well, remember you’re still alive so you haven’t been right so far. So don’t worry so much. Also, try to think about something else, like a guy doing his tax return. That way, facing a murderer won’t seem so bad.

Dear Daniel, I was the custodian of a five-star Uber rating. I was proud of it and nurtured it like a pet - never putting Spotify on and always leaving the car with a smile and a 'Five stars for you, mate!i' farewell. Then, after a drunken evening in a shit Shoreditch bar, my friends spilt Stella Artois all over the back seat of our ride home while aggressively demanding the driver play bashment and grime on the stereo. I now have a three-star rating. I know Ii'll never get my five- star rating back, but I'm not sure I'll ever forgive my friends. Should I? Jonty, Wimbledon

Dear Jonty, This is close to unforgivable, a real blow to your image. It’s gonna be hard to come back from that one, but remember your friends were drunk so give them another chance. Use the reviews of you as an Airbnb guest as the background for your Facebook wall instead. Trust me, it looks just as impressive and you will get loads of likes and new admirers.

Find out how advice compared when Isy Suttie solved London's problems

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