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David Cross solves London's problems

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Each week a different comedian addresses Londoners’ issues. This week, legendary US comedian and ‘Arrested Development’ star

Dear David, I always end up dating vegetarians: is God trying to tell me to stop eating meat? Georgia, Archway

Dear Georgia, Yes. God is very, very concerned with you, especially your inability to make the flimsiest connections between the constant barrage of signals he’s putting out in the world specifically for you to use as guideposts through life. Also, for the record, if you date a fisherman or marine biologist, you should only ever eat caviar.

Dear David, I don't have any tattoos and I like to write in pencil, am I scared of commitment? Kim, Hendon

Dear Kim, Well, with laser tattoo removal being so ubiquitous these days, a tattoo isn’t very telling with regard to commitment. I would suggest marrying the pencil in a strict Orthodox Roman Catholic ceremony to really know the answer to that.

Dear David, The man in the flat below has an incredibly loud snore and itís keeping me awake. Can I confront a man about his snoring? Cybil, Enfield

Dear Cybil, Are you sure it’s a man? An adult man? I’ve heard some infants with extremely loud snores. You might want to check that out first. You could end up looking like a huge dick for yelling at a newborn baby.

Dear David, My colleague keeps winking at me: how can I find out if I'm attractive or if he just has a twitch? Olivia, Camberwell

Dear Olivia, Next time he winks at you, slap him. Hard. If he’s attracted to you he’ll understand that it’s all about workplace harassment and that he needs to respect your humanity. If it turns out to be a tic, just say you were trying to help him get rid of it. Explain that you have an aunt who got rid of your hiccups that way. If he gets upset and says that’s not how one ‘gets rid of ’ a tic, tell him that you’re not a doctor and that if he’s that concerned about it, he should go to a hospital.

Dear David, People keep telling me I look like David Cross. Should I feel complimented? Tim, Finsbury Park

Dear Tim, When this happens, people usually feel a sharp burning sensation. But as to whether to feel complimented, I wouldn’t. Have you looked at us in a mirror lately?

David Cross is at the O2 Forum on Jun 19. £29.58.

Find out how advice compared when Andy Parsons solved London's problems

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