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Eight things that are going up quicker than your salary

By
Eddy Frankel
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Rail fares have risen three times faster than wages over the past five years. Ticket prices have gone up 25 percent, salaries have risen 9 percent. Eddy Frankel finds some other things rising faster than your pay.

 

 

1. My nephew Alex

Even though he's basically illiterate, has no indoor voice and picks his nose, in his six years of life this adorable bundle of terror has grown from 52cm to 107cm. That's 105.77 percent growth - 96.77 percent more than your salary. Alex 1 - average humans O.

 

 

 

2. Kids' salaries

When they were born, kids like my nephew made £0 per annum, because they were babies and babies have no need for cash. They're like anarchists, living off the land, if the land was made of boobs. Let's say they get £3 per week in pocket money now - that's £156 per annum. My calculator says that's 'infinity percent' growth. So really it's all been downhill since you were six, hasn't it?

 

 

3. Everything on 'Bake Off'

Shit is always rising on the 'Bake Off'. Sometimes it DOUBLE rises. Those people are making things happen for themselves, man. Even their flatbreads experience more growth than our salaries, and they're flat! Maybe become a baker, then money would be the yeast of your problems.

 

 

 

4. Jeremy Corbyn supporters

Corbyn-mania has taken hold. He's gone from a man with a nice collection of elbow-patched jackets and sensible vests with about 14 fans to the potential future leader of the Labour party with thousands of admirers. From angry lefty backbencher to the most popular old man since Moses in just a few short months. Corbyn wins, you lose.

 

 

5. My colleague's blood pressure

Seriously, she's just sat over there freaking out about something. She was fine this morning and now her blood pressure's through the roof. I've told her to relax, very loudly, but it hasn't helped. For some reason we haven't got a blood pressure thingy in our office, but let's say the average blood pressure is 120/80, she's probably at 135/85. So in just a morning, her blood pressure has risen way quicker than your salary. Sucks to be you.

 

 

6. Childhood obesity

While you're desperately trying to scrape by on your meagre wage, everyone else is gorging themselves on KFC and sweets. According to the NHS, 30 million Brits will be obese by 2050. That growth is massive, literally, and that thing that isn't literally. Unlike your salary. Which is going nowhere. Literally.

 7. Pop-ups

Seriously, there are fuckloads of these now. See also: rooftop bars, beards, craft beer and 'immersive experiences', which are all basically pure, unadulterated hell on earth.

 

 

 

 8. Skyscrapers

We're putting up more and more tall buildings in London. There were 45 being constructed last year, but this year that figure has shot up to 70. And there are another 263 currently in the planning stages. So while our careers are floundering in the gutter, the London skyline is reaching for the stars. It's a very real manifestation of our collective failure, looming over us every single day. Thanks for that, London. Thanks a lot.

For more list LOLs, take a look at 15 things Londoners secretly think when a friend gets married.

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