Worldwide icon-chevron-right Europe icon-chevron-right United Kingdom icon-chevron-right England icon-chevron-right London icon-chevron-right Four reasons London is a giant waste of time and money

Four reasons London is a giant waste of time and money

Advertising

We've been inundated with stories of Londoners wasting their most precious resources in ever more depressing ways. Eddy Frankel highlights what we could achieve if we weren't being so damn profligate.

 

What we're wasting

London is the most congested city in Europe, with drivers spending 96 hours a year stuck in traffic.

What we could do with that instead

You could go around the London Eye 192 times. Or you could watch four whole seasons of '24'. Hell, you could probably film your own season of '24', starring your nan as an incontinent, slightly racist and profoundly deaf Jack Bauer, then destroy the only DVD copy of it, and it would still be a better use of your time than sitting in traffic for 96 hours.

 

What we're wasting

Animal rescues are costing the London Fire Brigade a whopping £13,000 per month.

What we could do with that instead

For that money, we could probably breed some kind of multi-animal hybrid, designed specifically to not get stuck in holes or up trees. Leave the cats, dogs, foxes and badgers to die, I say. As soon our new ultra-intelligent mutant animal overlords arrive, they'll just be prey anyway. Like the rest of us. All praise the mighty Catmothsnake!

 

What we're wasting

Big Ben is running six seconds late. It's something to do with 'temperamental bongs'. We've all been there. Call my mate Projix, he'll sort you out.

What we could do with that instead

You could have a micro-nap, or maybe even a micro-wank. Both of which would leave you feeling refreshed. If only Big Ben would get off his fat arse, pull himself together and give us back our six seconds. Sort your fucking life out, Ben! You're wasting our youth.

 

What we're wasting

The Icebar just off Regent Street has had an artistic makeover, using 40 tonnes of ice in the process.

What we could do with that instead

Let's say the average ice cube weighs ten grams: that means we could get 4 million ice cubes out of the place. With three cubes per drink, that's over 1.3 million gin and tonics that you aren't drinking to try to forget everything bad that's ever happened in your life. The Icebar is forcing us to confront sober reality. No thanks, mate. Mine's a double.

Want more good news? Read about eight things that are going up faster than your salary.

 

Share the story
Latest news
    Advertising