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Isy Suttie solves London's problems

By Time Out London Comedy

Each week a different comedian addresses Londoners’ issues. This week: stand-up comedian and Dobby out of ‘Peep Show’, Isy Suttie, tackles your problems head on

Dear Isy, I'm so worried about insect bites, terrorist attacks and whether off-the-shoulder is appropriate for work that I canít sleep. What should I do? Florence, Soho

Dear Florence, Let’s combine the first and last ones: offer up your juicy old shoulders to as many insects as possible (Kew Gardens beckons), rendering them unshowable in the office due to pustular lumps and bumps. That said, the best way to avoid terrorist attacks is probably to stay in your house and not go to work, so don your off-the-shoulder garb, stick on ‘Game of Thrones’ and leave the insects to gobble Donald Trump types.

Dear Isy, I'm worried that the guy I fancy isn't very bright. Should I be put off? Betty, Clerkenwell

Dear Betty, What makes you worry that he isn’t very bright? I used to have a thing about ‘your’ and ‘you’re’, but I’ve had to relax that over the years. Make sure you’re not being too fussy. If he can’t tell the difference between, say, clouds and sheep, maybe he’s not worth pursuing. But if he can’t tell the difference between laughing and crying, he’s probably an undiscovered genius who will make millions. That or he’s a psycho. Either way it’ll be an interesting ride.

Dear Isy, Now that the weather's nice I don't want to go into work. What's a good excuse? Brian, Stoke Newington

The most plausible thing is to say you’ve locked the doors from the inside and lost your keys, but that’s very short-lived. It’s probably best that you get ill – not seriously, but enough to get you time off work. You’ll still need sufficient concentration for box sets, so maybe something good and old-fashioned like scurvy? A boy at my college got scurvy from only eating baked potatoes with economy tomato soup mix all term. Good luck!

Dear Isy, Increasingly I can only make sense of my life as a listless graduate in London by comparing it to old episodes of 'Peep Show'. How do I break the cycle? Matthew, Clapham

Dear Matthew, Don’t break it. You need to keep watching ‘Peep Show’ on a loop for 23 hours a day. Use the remaining hour to do the comparing, writing all your conclusions down. When you go to the corner shop to buy sustenance, do so in the character of Super Hans. After ten years, you will be able to do ‘Peep Show’ on ‘Mastermind’ and you’ll have turned into Super Hans. You will be happier than all of us.

Isy Suttie: The Actual One is at Soho Theatre on August 15-27. From £15.

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