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Jake Yapp solves London's problems

Written by
Time Out London Comedy

Each week a different comedian solves Londoners’ issues. This week, joker on the airwaves, Jake Yapp, tackles your problems head on.

Dear Jake, My house has just become a Pokemon Poke-stop and now my front doorstep is littered with undesirables. How can I make it stop? Izzy, Balham

Dear Izzy, Buy a metal dustbin and paint it red and white, with the words ‘SUPER POKE BALL’, and leave it outside your front door, wired up to the mains. The council will take away the bodies with the recycling, and you’ll be doing the world a favour. Gotta catch ’em all!

Dear Jake, I want to get a cat but my flatmate wonít let me. What should I do? Neil, Islington

Dear Neil, You haven’t told me what you want the cat for. Perhaps you’re not a responsible type and your flatmate is wise in not letting you have one. Replace the word ‘cat’ in your question with ‘flamethrower’ and you’ll see where I’m coming from. However, if you’d like a cat for the usual stroking business etc, I suggest rehoming. Alternatively, rehome your flatmate, but please remember to have them spayed or neutered first.

Dear Jake, I don't realistically stand to have any financial security until my parents die and I inherit their riches. Is it acceptable for me to start trying to get specific numbers out of them, so I know how much dough I can expect? Matilda, Leyton

Dear Matilda, Tsk. Shame on you. That is their business and no concern of yours. That said, er... How are you at accents? Put one on and phone them up on their landline (they probably still have a landline, amiright? Adorable!). Tell them you are from their bank’s fraud detection team. Say you need to piece together their spending profile so you can build up a picture of their monthly outgoings. Then it’s dumpster-diving time. They’ll own a shredder because older people do, because they know their mercenary, shark-like offspring like you are constantly sniffing around, but think of it as a fun, if excruciatingly tedious, jigsaw puzzle... Eyes on the prize. Everything I have suggested here is illegal, so I would advise you definitely NOT to do it *winkyface emoticon*.

Dear Jake, I introduced two of my friends and now they're hanging out without me, what should I do? Terri, Balham

Dear Terri, I’ve spent a couple of days dwelling on this one, and my conclusion is this: I simply cannot dredge up the will to care. I mean, aren’t you a bit secretly relieved? As someone who has shed their friends almost completely over the years, obviously I’m a bit sad, but to be honest, in BOOK the main, it’s a huge relief. Just let them slip away. It’s two birthdays you won’t have to worry about remembering any more, and probably three or four weddings, long term. That’s a lot of toasters.

Jake Yapp: One in a Million is at Leicester Square Theatre. Leicester Square. Fri Jul 29. Also in Edinburgh throughout Aug.

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