Each week a different comedian addresses Londoners’ issues. This week, Canadian lolsmith Mae Martin tackles your problems head on.
Dear Mae: 'I need to get my beach-body-ready but gyms are expensive and fried chicken is delicious. Help me!' Sadie, Streatham
Dear Sadie: 'One good thing about British beaches is that they’re rarely hot enough for you to completely disrobe. So really you only have to worry about your forearms and shins. Also, I’d pick a favourite chicken shop that’s at least three hours away from Streatham (I recommend the Chicken Cottage in Hendon, it’s absolutely delightful) and then walk/jog there and back a few times a week. The cardio will cancel out the chicken so your body will stay the same.'
Dear Mae: 'I'm only attracted to either completely unattainable or just plain difficult men. How do I broaden my romantic landscape?' Isabelle, Bow
Dear Isabelle: 'There are always ways to overcome obstacles in terms of unviable relationships. My great-grandparents on both sides were first cousins, for instance. In general, though, broadening your horizons is wise. Use one of my new hypnosis tapes ‘Let Mae in Your Mind’ to train yourself to desire qualities other than ‘difficult’. Qualities like ‘ability to make a lasagne from scratch’, ‘good at maths’ or ‘rich’. NB: possible side effects include falling in love with the sound of my nasal Canadian voice.'
Dear Mae: 'I'm seriously handsome and I think girls are intimidated by my hotness. How should I encourage them to approach me?' Joseph, Tottenham
Dear Joseph: 'Have you been told by an objective party that you’re seriously handsome, or just by your mum? Is it possible that, when you were about 12, she told you that to protect your feelings, and in fact it is your personality that is acting as a deterrent? If you are in fact handsome to the point of being unapproachable, then I would recommend one of my new hypnosis tapes, ‘Let Mae in Your Mind’, where I will insult you ruthlessly, subtly lowering your self-esteem until your insecurity counteracts your hotness and you can get all the girls.'
Dear Mae: 'I'm a 5' 4" man: should I get lifts in my shoes?' Tom, Soho
Dear Tom: 'Why is it that you want to get lifts? Men who are small in stature notoriously make excellent dictators: have you considered that as a career? When I was about eight I was upset that my older brother was taller than me and he – although he vehemently denies this today – spontaneously sung me an improvised song called ‘When You’re Small’ about the benefits of being tiny. I wish I could sing that song for you now.'
Mae Martin is at Soho Theatre on. Tue May 31-Jun 4. From £10.