Each week a different comedian solves Londoners’ issues. This week, the sketch duo who always stand in the order of their names
Dear Max and Ivan, I drew Spain in my work Euros sweepstake. How do I make sure my colleagues who got France and Germany don't win and that I bag the £40 prize? Graham, Kennington
Dear Graham, EASY. Build a time machine, go back to 2012 and give your younger self the Spain sweepstake ticket. Win £40. Then go back to 1968. Invest that £40 in London property. Come back to the present day and laugh at your ‘colleagues’ for having a ‘job’ – look at you, you’re a property magnate!
Dear Max and Ivan, I've been asked to bring a salad to a barbecue, do you reckon crisps count? Gillian, Ladbroke Grove
Dear Gillian, Who has asked you to do this, and what are the weird psychological subtexts to this request? Is it your boss, testing you, and secretly hoping you’ll bring an entire rack of lamb in a maverick display of executive-level initiative? Your testy neighbour, who has ‘invited’ you but clearly hopes you won’t attend? Or an old friend, mindful that your last barbecue contribution of some ‘still good’ chicken thighs caused a huge salmonella outbreak? Either way, yes, crisps definitely count. Take a big bag of Kettle Chips. And 12 burgers.
Dear Max and Ivan, As a foreigner, I find British humour... well, not funny. How can I learn to love your awful ways? Pierre, South Kensington
Listen, having lost the Empire and having become certifiably rubbish at all professional sports, the famed British sense of humour is all we have left. In its most basic form, it involves insulting one another. In its more advanced form, it involves insulting one another while putting on silly voices and/or dragging up. It is one of the greatest art forms in the whole world.
Dear Max and Ivan, My uncle keeps posting pro- Brexit Facebook statuses. Is it acceptable to block him? Rob, Bermondsey
Dear Rob, You could do, sure. But you didn’t block him when he tagged you in that hoax status claiming to offer free iPads; you didn’t block him when he changed his profile picture to ‘Keep Calm, I’m a Legend’; and you didn’t block him when that dogging app he downloaded started posting to his timeline (‘Checking into South Mimms Services. Woof!’) Why take a stand now.