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Each week a different comedian addresses Londoners’ issues. This week, actor and stand-up Miles Jupp tackles your problems head on.
Dear Miles: 'I think my posh name - Hugo - is holding me back in life, should I change it?' Hugo, Hammersmith
Dear Hugo: 'I’m very sorry you feel this way. But no. It’s ridiculous for anyone to be judged on their name. You should just crack on with being you. Unless it’s something else about being you that’s holding you back, of course. Are you aggressive? Rude? An angry drunk? It seems unlikely. Not if you’re called Hugo.'
Dear Miles: 'I'm dating a vegetarian: it's rubbish, and goodness how I miss bacon sandwiches! Any tips for turning them carnivorous?' Christine, Deptford
Dear Christine: 'Firstly, congratulations on dating a vegetarian at all. A lot of people – even in this day and age – are simply not that open-minded. It’s wonderful that people like you are out there, and prepared to take risks such as this. But you’re right, it’s bonkers. All you have to do is make sure that you’re always slow cooking some meat. Check on it regularly and each time you take the lid off, your dwelling will smell of meat that little bit more. Eventually, the whole place will smell of delicious, cooking meat. Let this go on for as many weeks as your budget can stand and you will break them. If it turns out that they genuinely don’t like the smell of cooking meat, then... hmmm. Something isn’t right. Don’t want to scare you, but they simply cannot be correctly wired.'
Dear Miles: 'I have relatives coming to visit London for the first time and I refuse to visit more than one tourist attraction, which one should I go for?' Florence, Highbury
Dear Florence: 'The London Eye. Surprisingly relaxing, and you can reward yourself with an ice cream afterwards. Or Tate Modern. After which you can also reward yourself with an ice cream. In fact, maybe just take them for an ice cream.'
Dear Miles: 'All the best restaurants in Soho involve massive queues, how can I cut to the front?' Darren, Forest Hill
Dear Darren: 'I really don’t know. I was once queuing in Leicester for an after- party for something (possibly the Brits, although I can’t think why that would be the case). I’d been waiting for about half an hour, and nothing happened. Then Dean Gaffney appeared, walked up to the front and was let straight in by the bouncers. So that’s who you need to ask.'
Miles Jupp appears at the Union Chapel. Mar 31. £20.
Find out how advice compared when Tom Rosenthal solved London's problems.