Residents' spirits are inexplicably unbuoyed by their enormous car plant and close proximity to cosmopolitan Romford. Runners up: Seven Sisters, Forest Gate, Golders Green, Woolwich.
West Ealing is, not coincidentally, also the area where Londoners get the most sleep. Chalk it up to their high-ceilinged Edwardian housing stock and renowned community spirit. Or powerful prescription medication – who can say? Runners up:Wapping, Muswell Hill, Richmond, Woodford.
It's fourth place in the nationwide unemployment rankings, and not having a job would stress anyone out. It's also one of the most sleep-deprived areas, clocking just 6hrs 40m a night. Runners up: Bounds Green, South Kensington, High Barnet, Highgate.
Fifty-one percent of Wappingites had sex in the past seven days, the most of any London area. Meanwhile, Made in Chelsea doesn't mean Laid in Chelsea, where only 17 percent of poshos could say the same. Runners up: Anerley, Balham, Chingford, East Dulwich.
Beating off stiff competition from local rivals High Barnet (ahem) and a whopping seven times more likely than abstemious Finsbury Park to indulge, 42 percent of people here watched porn last week. Runners up: High Barnet, West Ealing, Woolwich, Woodford.
With doorstep access to Woolwich Market, the Woolwich Ferry and Woolwich Arsenal affording you unrivalled freedom to buy candles, traverse the Thames and raise a militia, would you be able to get your head down easily? Exactly! Runners up: Bounds Green, East Ham, Chingford, South Kensington.
Maybe it's because of the excellent schools, sporting pedigree and plentiful open spaces. Or maybe it's the jet-fuelled racket from Heathrow drowning out your offspring's ceaseless whining. Either way, Twickers was rated highest for family life. Runners up:Muswell Hill, Chiswick, Richmond, Highgate.